... To Be Jolly ...

Ugh. Man. The cold finally got me! After several fierce battles - all of which I won - and even a poor showing by the old immune system after a night of too much adult beverage consumption, I was still standing. Like a spartan with shield and spear, I was ready for the next go-round.

Then it got warm and rainy (bad sign #1: weather change).

Then I didn't get much sleep for an entire week (bad sign #2: not enough rest).

Then I was so busy I didn't have much time to exercise (bad sign #C: fitness regimine disrupted).

Then I had a lot of fun, but the emotional kind of fun, fun that makes you feel and think and maybe be a little nervous... all on top of finishing off the busiest week of the year at work (bad sign #4: stress level increase).

Add it all up: Dusty's sick for the first time in a long while. Damn.

But I'm still jolly!

Tis The Season

Tis the season to be jolly, and jolly I am. Frozen, but jolly.

Things go well, as things have been tending to do here lately. I had a busy - BUSY - week, and a busy weekend, but it was good. And I did catch up on some sleep (I know Hank, I know... either sleep or don't, but you can't catch up). I spent my weekend with wonderful friends new and old, playing music, playing games, enjoying good company, laughing and just generally enjoying the whole deal.

I made one mistake. I bummed a cigarette (ok, two) last night, and of course proceeded to smoke it. Had to get my one last jones. The proceeded to destroy my throat, which subsequently dried up into the Sahara. Last night was miserable, only because I had a lot of trouble sleeping, and when I did finally fall asleep, I slept in fits and woke up frequently to cough and hack with my dry throat.

So today brings much medicine - I spent $30 in meds on the way to work this morning - and good warm tea. Hopefully I can fight this winter cold/throat destruction off quickly. We shall see.

Nevertheless, no other complaints about a wonderful weekend. Just remember - don't let me bum a fag off of you!

Bandaged Hand in Hand

Good times. That's what I can say for now.

Work is hell, but fun, and when you work with good people who you like (and who like you, I suppose), that makes hard work all the better. Working with good people is the way to go. Sometimes I have to remind myself that after everything that went down at my last job. Nasty, rotten peoples ova dat way. Good peoples ova here.

What else? Music, music, music, and more music. I need, Need, NEED to write more. I have a dozen ideas storming around my head, all kind of raring their heads at different times. Nothing is down yet. But goodness, I need to get some things down on paper. And the business of music - don't get me started! Things are finally working and moving along, but it's hard work. I love it, it's tough but so far so good, and worth the effort. Just wish I had more time!

What else? My personal life is good. Moving in some positive directions! So... now... D, don't think... don't think... don't think D!

Anything else? My health is good. And that's a good thing.

Concert tix on the way, Coheed and Dropkick, whooooo!

Isbell on the stereo. Can't beat that.

Fingers on the keyboard. Working.

Back at it. Good peoples ova here.

I Am An Exit

I don't blog enough. Sometimes this poor site becomes a release for the bad, and never enough of the good, and lately things are going good... maybe even great.

Winter can be such a tough time, for so many people. It can be for me, that's for sure, but other than in early November, things have been excellent this winter. I am overworked but not totally overstressed. I have way too much to do with the music stuff, but it is so much fun I don't mind.

Winter is one of those great seasons where life is preparing to be reborn. Some view it as the end - the death of the year - but it's cyclical, so it's not really the death, but merely the completion of the circle of another years. And circles are continuous (thank you geometry), so we know that spring is coming, and life is preparing to be reborn.

In much that same way, some people use winter to labor over what is ending, while others use it to prepare for what is coming. This year has been so much of the latter for me - preparing for another good, possibly great year.

Let me share one small thing with you, one of the many reasons I am excited about the rebirth. I am working on getting my music online - ONLINE! - and the process has been fun, information, and most of all, carries with it a sense of accomplishment. Soon I'll be able to sell music online, linked from my own website, and even on iTunes and other electronic music sites. How cool is that?

I'll have to make it a point to come back often, and share my stories, good ones, for your enjoyment. This blog is my exit. But so many times the road you veer off of on the highway of life makes for one helluva great detour.

I Am Fuel, You Are Friends...

Not that anyone other than two friends reads this stupid blog, but...

I had a great weekend. Saw the Avett Brothers on Friday night in Bloomington. That was one of the most fantastic and fun shows I've been to in a long time. Other than jerky hipster douchers, the show was great.

Saturday, we nailed the shed, pun intended. Roof is done, dude. Come spring, we'll rock out the rest of it, and the Guv'ner's Mansion will be open for business.

Saturday evening was fun, too - hanging with good friends, watched a great movie, etc. It was a good time. We pizza'd when we should have french fry'd, but we still had a blast.

Sunday was what it usually was - laundry day. I also got a chance to pick up my room and clean house a little. And of course, as is usual on Sunday, we got in some quality Football and WoW time. That's right... sports and geeks. Deal with it.

Sometimes I Rise, Sometimes I Fall...

You know, I don't like having to be asshole. Not all the time. But, you know... learn to think for yourself. If I could ask just one thing, it would be for others to stop and think.

So I said something impolite to a co-worker. It came out wrong - I believe the words I chose were "Use your brain" when someone asked how they were supposed to figure something out - but damn. It doesn't hurt to think critically every now and then, does it? Isn't it good to try and exhaust some options before asking for help? Again, I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't asked every five minutes for some answer that is two clicks away on a desktop.

I've always prided myself on my ability to think quickly.

I just wish others would "follow" by example.

I heard something clever last night while watching the IU basketball game. On a commercial break, there was an ad for IU and the speaker was a ladies field hockey player. She said that her dad always told her there would always be two things under her control - her attitude and her effort. I have of course heard that before, but it stuck in my head last night.

I so obviously am burnt out. My attitude and effort are sorely lacking. I need a break.

The In Between Is Mine

I still remember when "I Am Mine" first came out. The first Pearl Jam single in years (if you don't count "Light Years" - which most radio didn't, it seemed), it blossomed on the airwaves like a virus out of control. I instantly took to the song, not just because I was a Pearl Jam fan (read: obsessive maniac fan), but because the song had meaning.

"I know I was born and I know that I'll die. The in between is mine."

Today, I am reminded by the hopeful caution in the song. Winter is a time, frankly, for death. The cycle of life winds down, returning things to the earth so they can decompose and become fertilizer for the new growth to come. Likewise, for me, winter is a time of reflection, where, perhaps, parts of me die, where memories of the past year pass on and break down to become something else in the new year.

It is a process. Sometimes it is a painful one, sometimes a pleasant one, but always it is a mindful one. I can look back on this past year and count many, many things that changed and altered the course of my life, in some small or large way. New friends, new loves, new jobs, old friends, old loves, old problems. New opportunities. Blown saves.

The saddest part of my reflection time this year is seeing how much I lost hope in people this year - and despite some pretty positive evidence to the contrary. Friends helping friends out - be it a drive to the root canal/hellbringing dentist, or a hand on a hammer, helping to build something big for us small town poets. I have some great friends and family, and truthfully, they are not the problem.

It's everyone else. I've always seen other people as inherently good. I don't believe man is so fatalistically flawed (as some would have you believe) that he is solely evil (and can only reach goodness through the bridge of an intermediate deity). I believe in the good of humanity.

Maybe that is why this year was so hard - seeing so often that goodness shook off, in order for someone to make poor decisions and bad, evil choices. And it isn't just things that inconvenience me - yes, people who run stop signs in front of me really piss me off, but that's a small thing.

Last night I wrote a devestating song - sad bastard music, as Barry would say. But, you know... I thought about how one friend is sad that his girlfriend didn't even have the heart to tell him she didn't want to see him anymore. She just stopped calling, wouldn't answer, either. I thought of another friend, on the verge of what might be a messy divorce. I thought of yet another friend, and the deceit and hurt he had been through, culminating in a divorce.

In his pursuit of selfish desires and pleasures, man burns and destroys all around him. Bridges, doors, keys, rooms, all burnt to ashes. Look at what you have wrought. The hell your actions unleash so you can... what? Get a little satisfaction? Leave that to Jagger and the Stones.

It is about time that human beings started acting like human beings again. I am reminded once more of Emmanuel Levinas, my favorite philospher, and his notion of encountering humanity in a person's eyes. A need that screams out - see me, feel me - recognize my humanity.

See me, feel me. Touch me, heal me.

It's about time we looked in the mirror, and remembered what it was like to be human. And then go out and be it. Human.

Destined for Nothing? w/ They Don't Compare

Does that it make you suffer because you have to die? Is it best to live a lie?

That’s the question that Bad Religion asks in their song, “Destined For Nothing.” I don’t know the answer, really. I am doing my thing, observing my friends and family going through the motions… and seeing that some of the motions aren’t healthy.

I don’t like to watch my friends hurt, whether the hurt be financial, romantic, winter blahs, loneliness, stress. And I feel for them – I have definitely been through all of the above. And, in some cases, sometimes those things are healthy. We grow in the tough times, so they are somewhat necessary from time to time.

But sometimes these things seem like too much for us to take. I hate to see others at that breaking point. I hate to be there myself.

As much as it sucks sometimes – for ourselves, and for others – we can’t always cover things up. Sometimes you’ve got to throw off the shroud. Just know that in those times, you have friends who do love you and care. It is easier to share than go through it all alone.

That said - the good guys and gals covered - I have to vent about something else.

Fucking people make me sick. Listen, we all make mistakes. I find myself qualifying my opinions all the time, and maybe I do that too much. Maybe I don't stick hard enough to my guns. And in those cases maybe I am part of the problem.

But life is tough enough without people looking to cheat, steal, and stab each other in the back all the fucking time.

I think to myself, how can I trust anyone? I want to be close to something dangerous - want to be with someone who can be wild, out of control, unhinged, and on the edge. I want our relationship to exist there. But how the fuck can I ever trust someone else like that again? Finding diamonds in the rough is rare, and the rest of the people walking around either don't meet my sometimes-too-lofty standards, or are so fucking shallow and evil as to not merit my time or consideration.

Sometimes the evil ones get you (me) anyway. They're sneaky like that.

Mom and Dad always taught me the Golden Rule - particularly mom. And I've read plenty about Jesus and turning the other cheek and loving your neighbor.

And I don't see much of those three rules in practice. Anywhere. Yes, even in my own actions.

We are a selfish, fucking excuse for a race of creatures. Like Ed Vedder said in "Rats" ...

"They don't scurry when something bigger comes their way, don't pack themselves together and run as one. Don't shit where they're not supposed to, don't take what's not theirs, they don't compare."

They don't compare. WE don't compare. Sorry fucking human race.

Listen. If you take one thing from this whole post, take this: be kind to one another. Try it some time. It just might spread. Try and think how you would feel if x and y and z happened to you... and avoid doing x and y and z to anyone, especially the people you love.

Be a human being. See the humanity, the emotion, the fucking soul in someone else's eyes.

And respect it.

Can't Wait For Election Day...

And I couldn't. I couldn't wait for election day. I was up early, and off to the polls... which if you haven't heard by now, were poorly handled, stationed, etc etc etc in Indiana. I stood outside in the morning 40 degree weather for an hour. The woman behind me had on sandals. She mentioned more than once, or twice, or thrice, he dismay and idioticy at having chosen sandals on this morning.

I waited, then I took my three to five minutes and made my choices. And then, like the rest of America and her Americans, I waited.

And I watched Wolf and Anderson on CNN tell me how it was going. I feared. I hoped. And then...

Rewind. I haven't had much hope in humanity lately. I've been sorely - SORELY - disappointed in the actions and attitudes of most of the people around me. Some of them I associate with, and I have grown more and more Sartre-ian in my apathy and disgust for these people. Others are just the assholes in front of me on my way to and from work, driving ever so slowly, erratically stopping, sitting at an open roundabout for 3 minutes because they are too stupid and confused to know to drive into it.

I lost hope. I lost patience. I examined my own life and my successes and failures, and wondered if I measured up to my standards and to other people's standards.

I also took stock of many, many things. I rediscovered goodness is people, too. I had great friends and great parents and great people around me.

But I needed a hero.

I think we all did.

And we needed a cause. My generation, specifically, needed its cause. Our Vietnam. Our Aids. Our Abortion. Our WWII. We have become far too apathetic and cynical, because Gay Rights and Iraq were not enough for us to rally behind, not enough to give our young lives a sense of purpose, meaning, and accomplishment.

No. We needed our moment.

And then...

Last night, we got it.

I have never been more proud to be an American than I was last night and am right now. I have always had a fierce patriotism in my heart, because this land has let me accomplish so many things, and, truthfully, has tolerated so many of the things I love, and yes, hate. We live in the greatest nation, a flaw nation, but one without equal. Only our fears, prejudices, hatreds, and nagging need to judge and damn all those around us holds us back
.
Well, last night, we struck a blow againts apathy. Against hatred. Against cynicism. And yes, against Sartre-ian Nausea.

And even though as Barack Obama walked across the stage, I felt a twinge of fear... I felt hope.

Now I just hope our hatreds don't get the best of us. Already this morning, on the devil of all mankind, the internet, I saw a classmate from high school declare our nation now embroiled in communism and a place where hard work wasn't rewarded, but that our rewards are stolen from the righteous and given to the unclean. I remember this student from high school. He was a good kid, and by all accounts a good man. I remember him having the Confederate flag hanging from the back of his mud-slingin' truck. I wonder if he has ever thought of a black American as anything other than "nigger."

That made me pause. I make racist jokes all the time. And I am ashamed, and always have been, of my own racism. Racism is taught. You aren't born with it. And if I were to say I wasn't a racist, I would be lying. I know the words of hate, and I say the words of hate. But I do truly fear the places the words lead. And while I am flawed, I hope that that fear, and the knowledge that I can do and be better, will lead me to be a better person than I am today. My parents and family have been the most wonderful, loving people I have ever known. My friends and colleagues have been the same. Still, I hope one day, if I have children, i can do better by them in this way. I hope I can teach them to be more tolerant than I, even as I myself was taught by my parents to be more tolerant than them.

Still, I know as full of fear and racism as I can be and have been, I struck a blow from my heart against my programmed mind. I fought off the Nausea, the fear, the apathy. And I will continue to fight.

I am proud to be an American. I am proud to have graduated from a redneck, racist High School, and I am proud of the people who, like me, escaped it. I am proud of those of us who strive against the apathy and the nausea.

I am proud of Barack Obama. I am proud of our country, the one we will continue to build and lead and grow together. I invite you all to celebrate this most historic of days with me.

I ask anyone of my generation to finally put their selfishness down and to revel in this day, in this victory. We took one small step towards change. Now, please, let's keep moving forward.

Now... get out of my way, damnit. Learn how to drive!!!

Taking Back Control, pt. 2

So, here's what you're getting... 95% totally, brutally honest (some secrets you just don't tell, lol):

Name: Dustin C.
Age: 28
Residence: Self-owned Home in Plainfield, IN
Occupation: Ecommerce Manager
Vehicle: 2005 Jeep Liberty Sport
Debt: between 5k and 10k
Salary: between 25k and 35k
Height: 5'5", sometimes 5'3" and sometimes maybe slightly taller
Weight: Anywhere between 175 and 195 lbs., depending on the season and how active I've been. Right now, I'm getting svelt.
Hair: Brown, fading, receeding hairline, short
Eyes: Blue, usually with black horn-rim glasses

Likes: music, playing music, writing, reading. Too much music to list. Playing guitar. Singing. A little bit of travelling. Brown County Indiana. Sex. Adventurous sex. Spending money on music. Good dining. Cooking. Fishing. Hiking. Indiana University Basketball. Watching IU hoops. Watching hoops in general. Shooting hoops. Other sports. Geek stuff. WoW on occasion. D&D on much less frequent occasion. Battletech on less frequent occasion. Firefly and Serenity. Spaced. CSI - the original. Zombie movies. Musical Rom-Coms. Collecting music. Long, uninterrupted drives. Being philosophical. Late night chats. Beer. Whiskey. An occasional cigarette. Light to medium to heavy exercise, usually three to five times a week. Open-mindedness. Exploring religious thoughts. Big questions. Barack Obama.

Dislikes: traffic, driving, driving in traffic. Tense confrontations. Anger issues. Crazy women. Bad sex. Hard drugs. Slobs. Lazy people. Sloth-like people. Hateful people. People who can't drive. People in general. Bitchy people. Judgemental people. John McCain.

Things I think I think:

My parents are the most amazing, smartest, kindest, hard-working and loving people I know. They are still together.

My parents set an impossible to reach goal and standard for my relationships.

Hard work really can and does pay off.

I like music. I am not on drugs.

Sex is an awesome, intimate experience.

Sex is only as good as the least-experienced/least-knowledgable person involved in the act. Thankfully, open-minded persons can learn.

God exists. I just don't know much more about him than that.

God is love. I used to think this. I am not so sure anymore.

I have slept with too many people. Only a few of those people really touched my heart. I feel incredibly guilty about this. Other times I just feel horny.

Guilt is my closest internal friend, next to hope. Hope wins out. But they battle a lot.

I am a nice, sensitive guy. Get over it.

I am not obsessed, clingy, or desparate. Please, you don't be, either.

I love starry night skies and the ocean. I am not gay.

I love to write, and should more.

I am too uptight, and will probably die of a heart attack before I am 4o. I am working on extending that lifespan, by exercising, eating healthier, and trying to chill the fuck out.

I like things simple.

Nothing is simple anymore.

I am old-fashioned in many ways. And modern in others.

Technology is killing us all slowly, in many, many ways.

Back porch music is best.

Back porch friends are best.

I have a lot of what I would call back porch friends. At least 3.

I have remained unmarried while most of my friends, and exes, from college have been married, been divorced, had kids, and/or any combination of those three.

Yes, I do get lonely. If that sounds pathetic to you, piss off. You get lonely too, so stop acting like you are better than everyone, or, you know, better than me.

"Hard To Imagine" is the best Pearl Jam song, at least in my heart.

I believe in the human soul.

I am afraid my dad and mom will both be dead before I either marry or have children. I have way too much guilt over this.

I have been far too lucky in every aspect of my life... except relationships with the opposite sex.

I have still had some very blessed and rewarding relationships with the opposite sex.

I do wonder if it is me.

Most of the time I am convinced it is them.

I have done some bad things that I know I shouldn't have. But I am still here. There have been mistakes, but nothing can be done about those. Each day I am born anew, and can forgive what I can't forget.

I like athletic girls. I like small breasts. I like flat tummies. None of that matters in my heart, just in my pants, and then, it's kind of just icing on the cake.

I am attracted, physically, to a lot of different "types" of women.

I am convinced I will settle for someone I am not emotionally or physically attracted to.

I fight the urge to settle.

I hate the urge to settle.

Time is running out. To settle or not.

I can play a mean guitar, man.

I like to think I am a lover. I fight off my guilt and self-doubt to achieve that. For my adult life, since I graduated college, I have become better and better at that.

I would say I am a good, honest, loving person.

I have a lot to offer someone, in almost every aspect of life.

I am complete by myself. I only hope for a shared life experience with someone else that is as wonderful and deserving as... well, me.

Despite that, chemistry, emotion, and attraction all play a part.

I am not crazy. I am normal.

It sometimes takes a lot to admit internally that I am not alone in this. I think most people are crazy.

I do think humanity is broken.

I think we live in a golden age of brokeness, sin, and selfishness.

I am very selfish.

I try my hardest to not be selfish. I hope that it'll catch on.

I love everyone, inside. I just wish some people would be nicer to me. And that some people wouldn't drive in front of me.