Reflection. It's like a really good drug that sometimes screws you up, and sometimes fixes you. Depends on your mood? Maybe. 2008 was my "big year of reflection." You know, getting all of the baggage out of the way, seeing which ways things might swing, putting to bed lingering issues, moving forward.
2008 was all of that, and more. But life is kind of a cycle, is definitely a journey, and is truly better with experience. Sometimes, living from the blood machine can be painful, as much as it can be uplifting and joyous. Happiness comes in waves. Yes, general happiness can be ever-present, and more so than since 2005-ish, I was pretty damned happy last year, generally speaking.
Reflection continues, however. Small my table... often, seats just one. Gets so crowded, and there's no fun.
You love what you love, people. And I love a lot. A lot of things, I don't or can't love - it's not in the cards. And we are fickle, selfish people. Nothing new there. I believe in the goodness of mankind, and have for a while. But I also believe it takes one helluva effort to get man out of his own way - his goodness only goes so far as his selfishness will allow.
My take on personal relationships: see above. Friends and lovers: see above. Family can be so much easier... it is easier to be selfless to ones you've loved and been with your whole life (for some, and notice the qualifier "loved" - not all family works this way. for the rest: see above).
We're all wanting something. The world throws a billion tests our way, along the way. Religion, politics, death, love, friendship, sex, food, work, you name it. Road blocks. Yes, road blocks to some of those very things - love can interfere with love, can and will. Be a philosopher. It works. Think it. Feel it. Put one foot in front of the other. Step over the road blocks? Isn't that easy, not usually. But... maybe.
It is tough to be a searcher. But call me The Seeker - I've been searching low and high. I hope that I get what I'm after... before the day I die.
4.05.2009
3.25.2009
Past, Present, Future... Karl.
It sometimes makes little to no sense, but sometimes, when you are sick and hurting and bored (and lonely), you start to take stock of what is going on in your life. And maybe because you're sore and not feeling hot, everything feels like a little kick to the shins or a punch to the gut, or a knee to the groin. It's not that there is no hope; it's just that you feel stuck. I worry like that - worry that I'll end up a fat, bald, lonely Karl, like Karl from Aqua Teens. I've got my sweatpants and my girlie mags and and beer and my hookers paid off in quarters and nickels and dimes. Sometimes I worry that's how I'll end up.
Girls don't scream about how cute I am. My health is failing, my hair is receding, my gut is growing despite my half-hearted attempts to shrink it. I'm a little bitter, but mostly just worried. No companionship sucks.
Sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere with my life, because I am going nowhere with my job. I make dick.99, which makes it hard to save, go back to school, pay off bad credit decisions made when I made more money, etc. I can blame the economy, but some of it is my fault. Problem is, sometimes it feels like a lot of it is my fault. My job makes me feel like a mindless drone, a poor monkey, a goes-nowhere Karl.
Sometimes your friends surprise you, and then again, sometimes you wonder who your friends really are; sometimes they piss you off. Sometimes you piss them off, too. Happens. But sometimes they are just Karls too.
People fail, I get that. Life is as much failure as success, and it's how we handle BOTH that really defines us. But as I look at a non-existent love life (for christ's sakes, my ex-girlfriend - who doesn't consider ours much a relationship - showed more concern about me being in the hospital than my current semi-girlfriend, who doesn't seem all that interested in me at all), as I look at others moving on and up and work, as I look at friends leaving, at I look at my financial situation growing dimmer, as I look at friends hurting and none of these things changing in major positive ways... I just don't want to be a Karl.
Girls don't scream about how cute I am. My health is failing, my hair is receding, my gut is growing despite my half-hearted attempts to shrink it. I'm a little bitter, but mostly just worried. No companionship sucks.
Sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere with my life, because I am going nowhere with my job. I make dick.99, which makes it hard to save, go back to school, pay off bad credit decisions made when I made more money, etc. I can blame the economy, but some of it is my fault. Problem is, sometimes it feels like a lot of it is my fault. My job makes me feel like a mindless drone, a poor monkey, a goes-nowhere Karl.
Sometimes your friends surprise you, and then again, sometimes you wonder who your friends really are; sometimes they piss you off. Sometimes you piss them off, too. Happens. But sometimes they are just Karls too.
People fail, I get that. Life is as much failure as success, and it's how we handle BOTH that really defines us. But as I look at a non-existent love life (for christ's sakes, my ex-girlfriend - who doesn't consider ours much a relationship - showed more concern about me being in the hospital than my current semi-girlfriend, who doesn't seem all that interested in me at all), as I look at others moving on and up and work, as I look at friends leaving, at I look at my financial situation growing dimmer, as I look at friends hurting and none of these things changing in major positive ways... I just don't want to be a Karl.
3.16.2009
Radio Free Indiana
In the 90’s we were wired and well connected, put it all down on technology and lost everything we invested.
You’re so pretty when you’re unfaithful to me!
Look at me, I can write a melody, but I can’t expect a soul to care…
Balancing, I need to keep it all in some perspective.
Come around…
Oh what the hell I’ll tell the story again.
It’s all one big blur of lights and action…
It’s as inevitable as the fall.
Left home virgins, came back vampires.
Got killed by 10 million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey.
And you might have once existed, and my memory’s been twisted.
Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together.
This is how the time goes, in an ordinary town.
The 411 in my area code has got no listing for me, and all my mail sits there in the post box, it seems I’ve lost the key.
Getting older makes it harder to remember we are our only saviors.
Your head will collapse if there’s nothing in it, and you’ll ask yourself ‘where is my mind?’
Stuck inside my head again, hoping that this never ends, I wouldn’t mind.
She said ‘I’ve laid beneath lovers but I’ve never gotten laid.’
Everything you make here hides behind the bones you wear.
You’re so pretty when you’re unfaithful to me!
Look at me, I can write a melody, but I can’t expect a soul to care…
Balancing, I need to keep it all in some perspective.
Come around…
Oh what the hell I’ll tell the story again.
It’s all one big blur of lights and action…
It’s as inevitable as the fall.
Left home virgins, came back vampires.
Got killed by 10 million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey.
And you might have once existed, and my memory’s been twisted.
Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together.
This is how the time goes, in an ordinary town.
The 411 in my area code has got no listing for me, and all my mail sits there in the post box, it seems I’ve lost the key.
Getting older makes it harder to remember we are our only saviors.
Your head will collapse if there’s nothing in it, and you’ll ask yourself ‘where is my mind?’
Stuck inside my head again, hoping that this never ends, I wouldn’t mind.
She said ‘I’ve laid beneath lovers but I’ve never gotten laid.’
Everything you make here hides behind the bones you wear.
3.09.2009
Solve for "Y"
Because isn't that really what we're always trying to figure out? Why?
I've been asked questions. I've asked myself questions. And, with questions, always comes doubt. Always comes the need for answers. How do I really feel? What do I really want?
Sometimes in my life, when I have ignored the questions, some really good things have happened. Sure, some bad things have happened too. But the whole idea is to live this life, rather than think my way into or out of the direction life chooses to go.
Someone recently told me, "thinking is good. Some people don't do it much." And yeah, that's true. But there's got to be a balance, too, of being spontaneous, of not giving a shit when that attitude isn't harming anything.
We don't always have to solve for Why, because sometimes the damn equation, and the damn answer, don't matter as much as question itself.
I've been asked questions. I've asked myself questions. And, with questions, always comes doubt. Always comes the need for answers. How do I really feel? What do I really want?
Sometimes in my life, when I have ignored the questions, some really good things have happened. Sure, some bad things have happened too. But the whole idea is to live this life, rather than think my way into or out of the direction life chooses to go.
Someone recently told me, "thinking is good. Some people don't do it much." And yeah, that's true. But there's got to be a balance, too, of being spontaneous, of not giving a shit when that attitude isn't harming anything.
We don't always have to solve for Why, because sometimes the damn equation, and the damn answer, don't matter as much as question itself.
3.05.2009
Say What You Mean To Say
What would I say to you if I could say anything to you today, with no consequences, with no reprisals, with no regrets or worries? It depends on who you are…
You? You are my best friend. I love you and wouldn’t be the man I am today without your friendship. We’ve been through a bit; we’ll go through a bit more. I always know I can count on you. More than anything, I am proud of you and proud to call you friend.
You? You are the best parents a person could ever hope for. The other part of who I am today? You’re responsible for that. I love you both immensely. I am so scared to lose you. Mortality faces us all I know. I hope I get married in time for you to enjoy it. Mostly, I just hope you know how much I love you and how wonderful you have been, all the years of my life.
You? Yeah, we’re still friends. You pissed me off. Give me time. You are a good person. We’re far too much alike, thus we understand each other. Be cool and be patient, and please don’t punch me for saying that.
You? You blew it. I’m not sweating it – really. But the answer is no, so don’t ever bother asking. You had your chance, and, in classic hockey-chant style, “YOU FUCKED UH-UP!”
You? There isn’t much to say, is there? Wes? Really? After all this time? You better than to start that with Cory I suppose… but damn. Four years is a long time to go through with people then completely disappear. Then again, five years is a long time to wait to reappear.
You? Here’s looking at you, kid.
You? You’re my freakin’ roommate, dude. You play WoW way too much sometimes. But I love you. I think you are going to be a great whatever the fuck you decide you’re gonna be. And I hope you remember me when it is time to write books. For now, let’s watch some Bebop.
You? Dude, Murphys. I am glad we’ve got that connection. You make work much more fun than it should be. I know this sucks; it ain’t no Cali. But come on – hopefully I make Indy a little more fun. Seriously though – thanks for being a great mentor. You’re self-made and I look up to you, and appreciate your advice.
You? Ah, yes, you. You are on my mind, more and more lately. This is such a strange time period for you, for us. I like you, a lot. I wonder how you feel about me. I am starting to feel like there is something to lose here, and that scares me. I’d miss you, and that scares me. There is so much more to learn about you. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure what that is. I wonder if you want the same thing. Let’s see where it take us.
You? Who the hell are you? Get off my blog!
You? You are my best friend. I love you and wouldn’t be the man I am today without your friendship. We’ve been through a bit; we’ll go through a bit more. I always know I can count on you. More than anything, I am proud of you and proud to call you friend.
You? You are the best parents a person could ever hope for. The other part of who I am today? You’re responsible for that. I love you both immensely. I am so scared to lose you. Mortality faces us all I know. I hope I get married in time for you to enjoy it. Mostly, I just hope you know how much I love you and how wonderful you have been, all the years of my life.
You? Yeah, we’re still friends. You pissed me off. Give me time. You are a good person. We’re far too much alike, thus we understand each other. Be cool and be patient, and please don’t punch me for saying that.
You? You blew it. I’m not sweating it – really. But the answer is no, so don’t ever bother asking. You had your chance, and, in classic hockey-chant style, “YOU FUCKED UH-UP!”
You? There isn’t much to say, is there? Wes? Really? After all this time? You better than to start that with Cory I suppose… but damn. Four years is a long time to go through with people then completely disappear. Then again, five years is a long time to wait to reappear.
You? Here’s looking at you, kid.
You? You’re my freakin’ roommate, dude. You play WoW way too much sometimes. But I love you. I think you are going to be a great whatever the fuck you decide you’re gonna be. And I hope you remember me when it is time to write books. For now, let’s watch some Bebop.
You? Dude, Murphys. I am glad we’ve got that connection. You make work much more fun than it should be. I know this sucks; it ain’t no Cali. But come on – hopefully I make Indy a little more fun. Seriously though – thanks for being a great mentor. You’re self-made and I look up to you, and appreciate your advice.
You? Ah, yes, you. You are on my mind, more and more lately. This is such a strange time period for you, for us. I like you, a lot. I wonder how you feel about me. I am starting to feel like there is something to lose here, and that scares me. I’d miss you, and that scares me. There is so much more to learn about you. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure what that is. I wonder if you want the same thing. Let’s see where it take us.
You? Who the hell are you? Get off my blog!
3.03.2009
Lump Sat Alone In A Boggy Marsh...
... Totally motionless except for her heart!
Interesting things abound.
Interesting things abound.
3.02.2009
Balancing Act
Waiting. It's a balancing act, measuring your desire versus your needs, desire versus time.
Time is on my side? Yes it is?
Maybe.
I'm happy. But want a little more?
I like it. I like where it is going. Just eager to see the next step, to round the next corner.
It's comfortable, though.
Time is on my side? Yes it is?
Maybe.
I'm happy. But want a little more?
I like it. I like where it is going. Just eager to see the next step, to round the next corner.
It's comfortable, though.
2.23.2009
Losing It
"You either lose your fear or live with one foot in the grave."
Of course, "once there was a way to get back homeward, once, there was a way to get back home."
It's all relative.
God, I can't wait to play guitar and sing tonight. It'll be the first time since ..., and the first time since ..., too. And that makes it cool as hell.
Hopefully I will be on tonight.
Of course, "once there was a way to get back homeward, once, there was a way to get back home."
It's all relative.
God, I can't wait to play guitar and sing tonight. It'll be the first time since ..., and the first time since ..., too. And that makes it cool as hell.
Hopefully I will be on tonight.
2.11.2009
Once, Upon a Time, I Could Lose Myself
Each day can really be a war.
I wonder if there's something wrong with my body, and if my aversion to going to the doctor is starting to get a little ridiculous. Thinking I can't get off this kick, whatever it is. I mean, I am not sick, but I am not well. Who knows.
Otherwise... each day.
My stress level and emotions have been through the meat grinder the last few weeks. Things are better now - not what I anticipated, but strangely better and getting better. There are good people in my life, and some new good people coming into my life, and the old stalwarts that I depend on and love.
And Music, of course, there through it all. Love it, love it, love it.
I'll take the varmint's path... but maybe I won't end up just like I began.
I wonder if there's something wrong with my body, and if my aversion to going to the doctor is starting to get a little ridiculous. Thinking I can't get off this kick, whatever it is. I mean, I am not sick, but I am not well. Who knows.
Otherwise... each day.
My stress level and emotions have been through the meat grinder the last few weeks. Things are better now - not what I anticipated, but strangely better and getting better. There are good people in my life, and some new good people coming into my life, and the old stalwarts that I depend on and love.
And Music, of course, there through it all. Love it, love it, love it.
I'll take the varmint's path... but maybe I won't end up just like I began.
1.26.2009
Fuel For The Feeding End - Coheed & Cambria
Why would you deny me answers?
If I’m just a boy on the break of being
Horror and hell through its fires
Be brutally honest, was it better before me?
In the curve of your body
How I want her with me
The truth of the story
The Vishual, I wish you all
The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire...
...
Could this be that hard for me?
To configure the new love in vain
To my new entity or banish it home to the grave
I will not save… your world
If I’m just a boy on the break of being
Horror and hell through its fires
Be brutally honest, was it better before me?
In the curve of your body
How I want her with me
The truth of the story
The Vishual, I wish you all
The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire...
...
Could this be that hard for me?
To configure the new love in vain
To my new entity or banish it home to the grave
I will not save… your world
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