Solve for "Y"

Because isn't that really what we're always trying to figure out? Why?

I've been asked questions. I've asked myself questions. And, with questions, always comes doubt. Always comes the need for answers. How do I really feel? What do I really want?

Sometimes in my life, when I have ignored the questions, some really good things have happened. Sure, some bad things have happened too. But the whole idea is to live this life, rather than think my way into or out of the direction life chooses to go.

Someone recently told me, "thinking is good. Some people don't do it much." And yeah, that's true. But there's got to be a balance, too, of being spontaneous, of not giving a shit when that attitude isn't harming anything.

We don't always have to solve for Why, because sometimes the damn equation, and the damn answer, don't matter as much as question itself.

Say What You Mean To Say

What would I say to you if I could say anything to you today, with no consequences, with no reprisals, with no regrets or worries? It depends on who you are…

You? You are my best friend. I love you and wouldn’t be the man I am today without your friendship. We’ve been through a bit; we’ll go through a bit more. I always know I can count on you. More than anything, I am proud of you and proud to call you friend.

You? You are the best parents a person could ever hope for. The other part of who I am today? You’re responsible for that. I love you both immensely. I am so scared to lose you. Mortality faces us all I know. I hope I get married in time for you to enjoy it. Mostly, I just hope you know how much I love you and how wonderful you have been, all the years of my life.

You? Yeah, we’re still friends. You pissed me off. Give me time. You are a good person. We’re far too much alike, thus we understand each other. Be cool and be patient, and please don’t punch me for saying that.

You? You blew it. I’m not sweating it – really. But the answer is no, so don’t ever bother asking. You had your chance, and, in classic hockey-chant style, “YOU FUCKED UH-UP!”

You? There isn’t much to say, is there? Wes? Really? After all this time? You better than to start that with Cory I suppose… but damn. Four years is a long time to go through with people then completely disappear. Then again, five years is a long time to wait to reappear.

You? Here’s looking at you, kid.

You? You’re my freakin’ roommate, dude. You play WoW way too much sometimes. But I love you. I think you are going to be a great whatever the fuck you decide you’re gonna be. And I hope you remember me when it is time to write books. For now, let’s watch some Bebop.

You? Dude, Murphys. I am glad we’ve got that connection. You make work much more fun than it should be. I know this sucks; it ain’t no Cali. But come on – hopefully I make Indy a little more fun. Seriously though – thanks for being a great mentor. You’re self-made and I look up to you, and appreciate your advice.

You? Ah, yes, you. You are on my mind, more and more lately. This is such a strange time period for you, for us. I like you, a lot. I wonder how you feel about me. I am starting to feel like there is something to lose here, and that scares me. I’d miss you, and that scares me. There is so much more to learn about you. I want to take the next step, but I’m not sure what that is. I wonder if you want the same thing. Let’s see where it take us.

You? Who the hell are you? Get off my blog!

Lump Sat Alone In A Boggy Marsh...

... Totally motionless except for her heart!

Interesting things abound.

Balancing Act

Waiting. It's a balancing act, measuring your desire versus your needs, desire versus time.

Time is on my side? Yes it is?

Maybe.

I'm happy. But want a little more?

I like it. I like where it is going. Just eager to see the next step, to round the next corner.

It's comfortable, though.

Losing It

"You either lose your fear or live with one foot in the grave."

Of course, "once there was a way to get back homeward, once, there was a way to get back home."

It's all relative.

God, I can't wait to play guitar and sing tonight. It'll be the first time since ..., and the first time since ..., too. And that makes it cool as hell.

Hopefully I will be on tonight.

Once, Upon a Time, I Could Lose Myself

Each day can really be a war.

I wonder if there's something wrong with my body, and if my aversion to going to the doctor is starting to get a little ridiculous. Thinking I can't get off this kick, whatever it is. I mean, I am not sick, but I am not well. Who knows.

Otherwise... each day.

My stress level and emotions have been through the meat grinder the last few weeks. Things are better now - not what I anticipated, but strangely better and getting better. There are good people in my life, and some new good people coming into my life, and the old stalwarts that I depend on and love.

And Music, of course, there through it all. Love it, love it, love it.

I'll take the varmint's path... but maybe I won't end up just like I began.

Fuel For The Feeding End - Coheed & Cambria

Why would you deny me answers?
If I’m just a boy on the break of being
Horror and hell through its fires
Be brutally honest, was it better before me?

In the curve of your body
How I want her with me
The truth of the story
The Vishual, I wish you all

The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire...

...

Could this be that hard for me?
To configure the new love in vain
To my new entity or banish it home to the grave
I will not save… your world

Optimysticism

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." -- Admiral James Stockdale.

Obviously, a war quote kind of seems out of place with what I am feeling... but the sentiment is good nonetheless.

Don't give up hope... but be realistic.

Edit: here's the whole bit I drew the quote above from.

"Optimism is a critical survival tool, but only when it's balanced with realism. This concept is known as the Stockdale Paradox, named after Admiral James Stockdale, the highest-ranking American prisoner of war in Vietnam. The idea was popularized by author Jim Collins in his best-selling book Good to Great. When Collins asked Stockdale to explain which American prisoners did not survive captivity in Vietnam, the admiral replied, 'Oh, that's easy. The optimists.' Collins was perplexed, but Stockdale explained that the optimists 'were the ones who said 'we're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go; and then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.' Stockdale went on: 'This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.'"

From NYTimes "Freakonomics" Blog.

Love is a Surrender

So the good times are gone. Once more I stand here with a wreck of a heart, wondering, hoping, but broken just the same.

My mind is spinning with every "win her back" idea I can think of... flowers, hugs, letters, any way I can spend time with her, any way I could show her how I feel. But all of that is meaningless at this point - not meaningless, but pointless. She knows how I feel. She doesn't know how she feels, or rather, doesn't know if she's ready to feel more.

Sure, I understand. It fucking hurts. It always does. But I understand.

My heart and my head, and my very soul, are in total upheaval. I wanted a battle to fight, but this wasn't what i was hoping for. How can I fight this way? It certainly doesn't feel like I am fighting for her.

Time is the great equalizer they say. Time heals all wounds - but that never is sweet when you hear it, when you're the one hurting. Because, after all, time just kills us all.

My tears, my anxieties, my pain won't fix this. My love, my giving-of-self, my sacrifice, my passion... it cannot fix this. Like every time... it's not in my hands. I have climbed the mountain, only to reach down for her hand...

It's up to her to grab it.

In my little book, my little Love devotional that I read every so often, had this to say, on this day:

Love is not a negotiation. It is a surrender. An absolute surrender... a total giving, an absolute submission of my absolute self. I entrust my soul to something I do not fully understand... and there is no middle ground, no margin of compromise. Love is where forever keeps itself.

Now... if only she could open her eyes... and see.

Praise

So... I've been in my books and my devotions and dare I say even the Bible lately, looking for answers, fighting demons, trying to make my way in this world and in the sticky situation I am.

I read something today in my devotional that just hit my in the chest (a lot of messages hitting me dead on lately...): that sometimes, it's better to just say thanks than to ask anything.

If it weren't for Rach, and to a lesser but still important extent, Kyle, I'd be going insane this week. Completely insane. So thanks. Thanks for keeping me grounded, reminding me what is important, and helping me to hope and to fight, to not quit.

God... thanks. Thanks so much for everything, every opportunity, every friend, every detour, every breath.

I couldn't do this without these wonderful people in my life.

Thanks most of all for allowing me to rediscover faith, hope and love... and yes, most of all love.

I have so many things to pray for, so many things to ask for, but for now... thank you so much for the wonderful blessing you have showered my life with. Even when I am not looking, you are still faithful. And though I may not always get what I want or what I think I need, you are still faithful. So thanks.