I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
... Ill be damned if I haven't heard a better song in years. Justin and Kristin, seriously... thank you for introducing me to Anberlin. I'm obsessed.
Showing posts with label Thoughts on Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts on Love. Show all posts
6.20.2009
1.21.2009
Love is a Surrender
So the good times are gone. Once more I stand here with a wreck of a heart, wondering, hoping, but broken just the same.
My mind is spinning with every "win her back" idea I can think of... flowers, hugs, letters, any way I can spend time with her, any way I could show her how I feel. But all of that is meaningless at this point - not meaningless, but pointless. She knows how I feel. She doesn't know how she feels, or rather, doesn't know if she's ready to feel more.
Sure, I understand. It fucking hurts. It always does. But I understand.
My heart and my head, and my very soul, are in total upheaval. I wanted a battle to fight, but this wasn't what i was hoping for. How can I fight this way? It certainly doesn't feel like I am fighting for her.
Time is the great equalizer they say. Time heals all wounds - but that never is sweet when you hear it, when you're the one hurting. Because, after all, time just kills us all.
My tears, my anxieties, my pain won't fix this. My love, my giving-of-self, my sacrifice, my passion... it cannot fix this. Like every time... it's not in my hands. I have climbed the mountain, only to reach down for her hand...
It's up to her to grab it.
In my little book, my little Love devotional that I read every so often, had this to say, on this day:
Love is not a negotiation. It is a surrender. An absolute surrender... a total giving, an absolute submission of my absolute self. I entrust my soul to something I do not fully understand... and there is no middle ground, no margin of compromise. Love is where forever keeps itself.
Now... if only she could open her eyes... and see.
My mind is spinning with every "win her back" idea I can think of... flowers, hugs, letters, any way I can spend time with her, any way I could show her how I feel. But all of that is meaningless at this point - not meaningless, but pointless. She knows how I feel. She doesn't know how she feels, or rather, doesn't know if she's ready to feel more.
Sure, I understand. It fucking hurts. It always does. But I understand.
My heart and my head, and my very soul, are in total upheaval. I wanted a battle to fight, but this wasn't what i was hoping for. How can I fight this way? It certainly doesn't feel like I am fighting for her.
Time is the great equalizer they say. Time heals all wounds - but that never is sweet when you hear it, when you're the one hurting. Because, after all, time just kills us all.
My tears, my anxieties, my pain won't fix this. My love, my giving-of-self, my sacrifice, my passion... it cannot fix this. Like every time... it's not in my hands. I have climbed the mountain, only to reach down for her hand...
It's up to her to grab it.
In my little book, my little Love devotional that I read every so often, had this to say, on this day:
Love is not a negotiation. It is a surrender. An absolute surrender... a total giving, an absolute submission of my absolute self. I entrust my soul to something I do not fully understand... and there is no middle ground, no margin of compromise. Love is where forever keeps itself.
Now... if only she could open her eyes... and see.
1.09.2009
Music, Guitar, Dylan Sneed, Love, God... and Me
A few weeks back I quoted a Dylan Sneed song, "What I Thought." Today, I listened to it again. I can't say how amazingly happy and excited I am to play a show with this singer/songwriter from Texas. I haven't anticipated something like this in a long while. The man's writing is fantastic.
Below is another sampling, from that same song. It hit me particularly hard this morning, for obvious reasons to those who know me and know what is going on right now. But beyond love and life and all it's joys and ups and downs and changes and etc., this guy can write. I am so looking forward to January 19th.
I knew you were pretty, you seemed kind of smart
But I just wasn't ready for the shape of your heart
Well charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
But when I talk to you, girl I can feel my heart beating
You're not who I thought you'd be
You're just who you are
And the wise and the fool agree
That you've got a fire in your heart
That's what I've been looking for
And that's what I've found
So I'm ready to start feeling
My feet leave the ground
Below is another sampling, from that same song. It hit me particularly hard this morning, for obvious reasons to those who know me and know what is going on right now. But beyond love and life and all it's joys and ups and downs and changes and etc., this guy can write. I am so looking forward to January 19th.
I knew you were pretty, you seemed kind of smart
But I just wasn't ready for the shape of your heart
Well charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
But when I talk to you, girl I can feel my heart beating
You're not who I thought you'd be
You're just who you are
And the wise and the fool agree
That you've got a fire in your heart
That's what I've been looking for
And that's what I've found
So I'm ready to start feeling
My feet leave the ground
10.13.2008
I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal
So... things are... different. I can't complain - I had a good weekend. But, you know, nothing happened, other than me talking with Cory about the same shit we've spent the last two weeks discussing. He doesn't have any answers yet. I don't have any answers yet. And while I want to punch Cory for A) being vaguely stupid and B) because I am jealous of what success might mean for him (not about the "who" - I couldn't care less about who it is, it's that thought of it being the thing we keep searching for, to final grab it and have the "fairy tale" junk work for once).
It's just that this curse of what I want - sometimes, what I think I need and, sometimes, what I think I deserve - can't be laid to rest. I want to take things easy, to release my expectations, and let come what may. But then I start to think... why should I lower my expectations? Just because I haven't met someone who can live up to those expectations, why should I lower them? I stop, then, and think, "well damn... it's not like those expectations are that high." And, they aren't.
One could accuse me of having my head up in the clouds. And yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I don't ask for perfection. Only... substance. Conscience. Taste. Moral value. Self-worth.
I don't want a consolation prize.
It's just that this curse of what I want - sometimes, what I think I need and, sometimes, what I think I deserve - can't be laid to rest. I want to take things easy, to release my expectations, and let come what may. But then I start to think... why should I lower my expectations? Just because I haven't met someone who can live up to those expectations, why should I lower them? I stop, then, and think, "well damn... it's not like those expectations are that high." And, they aren't.
One could accuse me of having my head up in the clouds. And yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I don't ask for perfection. Only... substance. Conscience. Taste. Moral value. Self-worth.
I don't want a consolation prize.
9.25.2008
God, what do you say?
So… the other night I had a dream that I want to relate. In the dream, there was a hero. He looked a bit like me. As I watched, I discovered the world he was in was our own, but in the future.
In the future… after the second coming, the apocalypse, Armageddon, the rapture, whatever you want to call it.
As I listened to him talk to a passerby or a companion, I know not which, he described what had happened. God had returned to our now (not the dream-world now, but this current day and age) to call his faithful home, and to judge and punish the wicked.
The unfortunate thing was that so many had lost faith in the one true God, and had worshipped so many things other than him – their own “Christian” religion among those idols they had raised up – that very few truly faithful people still existed. Many of these people immediately turned on God, spewing hatred and evil, while others held on to the beliefs they had always had, claiming this wasn’t the true God, not the one they believed in, but some imposter god. The other people, those who had been neutral or aligned differently in their religious outlooks in life… most of them stayed that way.
It was a dark time, but would only get worse. God decided to cleanse the world of what was left. This he had decided to do with an army of angels, that surely no human could withstand. What he hadn’t counted on was the spirit and fire of human will, not to mention the selfish, devious lengths any human would go to “win.” As such, most of the remaining people allied themselves with all manner of demons, devils, evil creatures and malevolent spirits.
The combined army of humans and devils was too much for God’s angelic army. The war raged on and on, destroying the natural beauty of the earth, leaving it nothing more than a wasteland. Eventually, the will of humanity won out… and God’s angel were all either killed or expunged from the earth.
The remaining people then began to war with their once demonic allies, for control of the either. God looked down, and sighed. Many humans remained that had tried to remain neutral, and still more were born of the wicked humans who turned away from evil ways.
The hero was one such child… a person born of evil but turned to goodness because of the amount of evil in the world. He was a crusader.
His words to his listener, this passerby or companion, were harsh, true, heartfelt.
“God is not dead,” he said. “God simply failed. He failed because he gave us power, the power of choice and the power of will. Maybe we both failed, God and us. He still exists, and he is still a being of love, and even now, he cares for his children, even the ones he failed to destroy.”
“We live in a new age, with no rules, with no Christ, with no boogey-men preachers that tell us how to live, with no book-thumpers who make us feel guilty for the choices we make. It is a world where survival of the fittest rules. It is a world of humanity for humanity’s sake. To be good is simply enough. To be evil is simply enough. To be neutral is enough. There are lines drawn in the sand.”
“Today is what we make it. Tomorrow is what we make it. It is my choice to walk this broken world, bringing hope to the broken, bringing justice to the wicked. I serve the true god, the god that failed, the god that wasn’t strong enough to protect and correct his own creation. But the old prophets disciples got one thing write. Christ was enough to teach us all that God does love us. So maybe he was our savior after all? Doesn’t matter now. What matters is what we do this day, what we do tomorrow, and that we try not to kill and curse everyone we cross in our path.”
“Maybe one day we’ll right our own wrongs. To hell with what anyone thinks. It’s time to live for the sake of living, to hold on to goodness.”
The hero turned to walk away. The passerby or companion raised a fist, and in this fist was a knife, and he lunged to stab the hero in the back.
The hero spun and shot the listener dead. He spat on the ground. He looked up to the red-black sky, the scorched sky, and then looked down at the scorched earth.
“It is my choice to walk this broken world, bringing hope to the broken, bringing justice to the wicked… bringing peace, love, and goodness to the deserving. I am broken and serve a broken god… but each step brings hope….”
The hero walked onward.
I woke up later, and wondered to myself… was this a dream, or reality?
Am I the hero, or the listener?
Am I dead, or truly alive?
Is this all dream, or reality? What wickedness controls our daily lives? Where is the hero with hope for the broken, is this, the most broken of ages?
Should I go back to sleep?
In the future… after the second coming, the apocalypse, Armageddon, the rapture, whatever you want to call it.
As I listened to him talk to a passerby or a companion, I know not which, he described what had happened. God had returned to our now (not the dream-world now, but this current day and age) to call his faithful home, and to judge and punish the wicked.
The unfortunate thing was that so many had lost faith in the one true God, and had worshipped so many things other than him – their own “Christian” religion among those idols they had raised up – that very few truly faithful people still existed. Many of these people immediately turned on God, spewing hatred and evil, while others held on to the beliefs they had always had, claiming this wasn’t the true God, not the one they believed in, but some imposter god. The other people, those who had been neutral or aligned differently in their religious outlooks in life… most of them stayed that way.
It was a dark time, but would only get worse. God decided to cleanse the world of what was left. This he had decided to do with an army of angels, that surely no human could withstand. What he hadn’t counted on was the spirit and fire of human will, not to mention the selfish, devious lengths any human would go to “win.” As such, most of the remaining people allied themselves with all manner of demons, devils, evil creatures and malevolent spirits.
The combined army of humans and devils was too much for God’s angelic army. The war raged on and on, destroying the natural beauty of the earth, leaving it nothing more than a wasteland. Eventually, the will of humanity won out… and God’s angel were all either killed or expunged from the earth.
The remaining people then began to war with their once demonic allies, for control of the either. God looked down, and sighed. Many humans remained that had tried to remain neutral, and still more were born of the wicked humans who turned away from evil ways.
The hero was one such child… a person born of evil but turned to goodness because of the amount of evil in the world. He was a crusader.
His words to his listener, this passerby or companion, were harsh, true, heartfelt.
“God is not dead,” he said. “God simply failed. He failed because he gave us power, the power of choice and the power of will. Maybe we both failed, God and us. He still exists, and he is still a being of love, and even now, he cares for his children, even the ones he failed to destroy.”
“We live in a new age, with no rules, with no Christ, with no boogey-men preachers that tell us how to live, with no book-thumpers who make us feel guilty for the choices we make. It is a world where survival of the fittest rules. It is a world of humanity for humanity’s sake. To be good is simply enough. To be evil is simply enough. To be neutral is enough. There are lines drawn in the sand.”
“Today is what we make it. Tomorrow is what we make it. It is my choice to walk this broken world, bringing hope to the broken, bringing justice to the wicked. I serve the true god, the god that failed, the god that wasn’t strong enough to protect and correct his own creation. But the old prophets disciples got one thing write. Christ was enough to teach us all that God does love us. So maybe he was our savior after all? Doesn’t matter now. What matters is what we do this day, what we do tomorrow, and that we try not to kill and curse everyone we cross in our path.”
“Maybe one day we’ll right our own wrongs. To hell with what anyone thinks. It’s time to live for the sake of living, to hold on to goodness.”
The hero turned to walk away. The passerby or companion raised a fist, and in this fist was a knife, and he lunged to stab the hero in the back.
The hero spun and shot the listener dead. He spat on the ground. He looked up to the red-black sky, the scorched sky, and then looked down at the scorched earth.
“It is my choice to walk this broken world, bringing hope to the broken, bringing justice to the wicked… bringing peace, love, and goodness to the deserving. I am broken and serve a broken god… but each step brings hope….”
The hero walked onward.
I woke up later, and wondered to myself… was this a dream, or reality?
Am I the hero, or the listener?
Am I dead, or truly alive?
Is this all dream, or reality? What wickedness controls our daily lives? Where is the hero with hope for the broken, is this, the most broken of ages?
Should I go back to sleep?
8.14.2008
Familiar, yet, can't seem to place it...
Sometimes, I forget how much I like a certain song, or a certain band. I recently read an article about a band called Over The Rhine (on the Aquarian Drunkard music blog), just a short, fun little interview. And it of course reminded me how amazing floored I am by the work of this band, these two people, this husband and wife songwriting team. Lennon and McCartney are good. But so is Over The Rhine... and sometimes in my eyes, and more importantly my soul, equally good, or even better.
So... why haven't I listened to them in forever? Past relationships. What a waste. I can't listen to one of my favorite bands of all time because of an ex-girlfriend? Well... if you were there, you might understand that. I mean, we met on the band's message board, went to several shows, had little rituals wrapped around so many songs.
But... fuck it. If I'm going to do this singer/songwriter thing, I've got to get over my emotions... so I can dig into my emotions. Time to exploit this pain, dammit.
The journey continues on and on... I need to keep on strumming.
And listening to great music that inspires me.
And... stay away from girls.
So... why haven't I listened to them in forever? Past relationships. What a waste. I can't listen to one of my favorite bands of all time because of an ex-girlfriend? Well... if you were there, you might understand that. I mean, we met on the band's message board, went to several shows, had little rituals wrapped around so many songs.
But... fuck it. If I'm going to do this singer/songwriter thing, I've got to get over my emotions... so I can dig into my emotions. Time to exploit this pain, dammit.
The journey continues on and on... I need to keep on strumming.
And listening to great music that inspires me.
And... stay away from girls.
8.04.2008
I'm Still Alive
So... maybe I shouldn't be so callous... or shouldn't think of becoming more calloused. I mean, there are only so many punched one can take before it doesn't hurt anymore, before pain becomes all past tense, before your dreams die and you just do what you can to get by.
I don't want to just get by. But, then again, I don't want to deal with any more drama than I have to.
The thing is, when the dynamic is working, I have a truly wonderful group of friends. They definitely are a support system.
And... I am still hear. Maybe with a growing collection of scars, but still here, still standing, still fighting for some of the things I believe in.
I haven't given hope... just trying to redefine where it is aimed at.
I don't want to just get by. But, then again, I don't want to deal with any more drama than I have to.
The thing is, when the dynamic is working, I have a truly wonderful group of friends. They definitely are a support system.
And... I am still hear. Maybe with a growing collection of scars, but still here, still standing, still fighting for some of the things I believe in.
I haven't given hope... just trying to redefine where it is aimed at.
7.08.2008
My Brain... via "Baba O'Riley"
Out here in the fields - you know, I grew up on a small ranch. Small town kid. A classmate of mine died just yesterday... and everyone from my high school crawls out of the woodworks. It always took a tragedy to make us all see eye to eye.
I fight for my meals - I've been pretty damn lucky so far, and haven't had to do this too much. That said, I am way too damned broke, and it ain't getting any better.
I get my back into my living - you can say that again. Jobs kill me, I think. I start out loving it, then end up hating it when stress takes control. There is no escape. I used to think the bible was silly, what with all it's toil and hard work stuff... now, not so sure.
I don't need to fight - but I always do. Now, I just wish I had something worth fighting for.
To prove I'm right - yet, unfortunately, the thing I want to fight for, I can't. The things I want to do, I don't have the fortitude or the guts to do. I am, to say the least, shallow on the inside.
I don't need to be forgiven - God and I have been having this argument. Damn him, he always wins...
Don't cry, don't raise your eye - I don't cry much anyway, not anymore. I gave it up after shedding far too many tears for two or so women. I should've learned the first time.
It's only teenage wasteland - damn right it is. Angst, envy, lack of patience, anger and hate, misplaced love, broken hearts, tortured artist soul... all here for the world to see.
Sally, take my hand - still looking for a Sally...
We'll travel south crossland - I'd love a vacation. I need a vacation.
Put out the fire, don't look past my shoulder - ah, but I never, never want the fire to go out. I stoke that bitch all night long... and still, she burns me.
The exodus is here - I've been waiting a long time. A long time.
The happy ones are near - thank God for great friends and wonderful family.
Let's get together, before we get much older - but no, we're all becoming damaged goods. We all got baggage now. It makes life interesting, for sure. But we ARE getting older, and yet things remain the same. Still waiting on that exodus.
Teenage Wasteland! It's only teenage wasteland - yes, it all comes back to this... hope, love, faith... disappointment? Again?
We're all wasted! - well, I'm not. Maybe I should be. Never was my thing.
I'll stick with the Teenage Wasteland part, thank you very much.
I fight for my meals - I've been pretty damn lucky so far, and haven't had to do this too much. That said, I am way too damned broke, and it ain't getting any better.
I get my back into my living - you can say that again. Jobs kill me, I think. I start out loving it, then end up hating it when stress takes control. There is no escape. I used to think the bible was silly, what with all it's toil and hard work stuff... now, not so sure.
I don't need to fight - but I always do. Now, I just wish I had something worth fighting for.
To prove I'm right - yet, unfortunately, the thing I want to fight for, I can't. The things I want to do, I don't have the fortitude or the guts to do. I am, to say the least, shallow on the inside.
I don't need to be forgiven - God and I have been having this argument. Damn him, he always wins...
Don't cry, don't raise your eye - I don't cry much anyway, not anymore. I gave it up after shedding far too many tears for two or so women. I should've learned the first time.
It's only teenage wasteland - damn right it is. Angst, envy, lack of patience, anger and hate, misplaced love, broken hearts, tortured artist soul... all here for the world to see.
Sally, take my hand - still looking for a Sally...
We'll travel south crossland - I'd love a vacation. I need a vacation.
Put out the fire, don't look past my shoulder - ah, but I never, never want the fire to go out. I stoke that bitch all night long... and still, she burns me.
The exodus is here - I've been waiting a long time. A long time.
The happy ones are near - thank God for great friends and wonderful family.
Let's get together, before we get much older - but no, we're all becoming damaged goods. We all got baggage now. It makes life interesting, for sure. But we ARE getting older, and yet things remain the same. Still waiting on that exodus.
Teenage Wasteland! It's only teenage wasteland - yes, it all comes back to this... hope, love, faith... disappointment? Again?
We're all wasted! - well, I'm not. Maybe I should be. Never was my thing.
I'll stick with the Teenage Wasteland part, thank you very much.
6.09.2008
I will hold the candle, 'til it burns up my arm...
Damn. I am trapped, and I feel like I am suffocating. I do not want to lose what might be the greatest love I've found - or the recognition of such potential - and I don't know how to keep that from happening.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
6.08.2008
Come Back
If I keep holding out,... will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
6.07.2008
So I listen... for the voice inside my head
Fear. I've know in it, felt it, it's been my friend from time to time. Like Over The Rhine remind us, "I'm gonna learn to love... without fear."
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
6.05.2008
Your light made us stars
"May love act as a bridge... over the very least of your exchanges." - David Teems
As I read this phrase (yes, out of a devotional) last night, it felt like I had been given a key to the gates, and punched in the stomach at the same time.
As I have dealt with my own search for love and companionship, I have watched my friends search, too. I have shared in some of their successes and some of their failures. But... my point is, when was the last time you stopped and thought about "love" as something universal and all-consuming... not just a romantic relationship?
Anyone who knows me knows I think a metric-ton about love, it all its myriad forms. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite books. If you're looking just right, you might catch me tear up over silly or emotional displays of affection, beauty, appreciation, eros, AND divinity.
Love in all its form is a lost commodity. We as human beings need to bring it back. Put that currency back into circulation.
It's starts next to you - just being polite, thankful, helpful.
I always liked that commercial, I think for Prudential, where they talk about being responsible - and the lady stops the pizza guy from crossing a busy street in front of a car he didn't see. He in turns stops someone from doing something dangerous, and they help someone pick up something, and on and on, until it returns to the orginal lady character, who is helped by someone, and then helps the pizza guy again.
Another great media example is the Dave Matthews Band video for Everyday (I think), the one where the fellow goes around offering complete strangers a hug, for no reason other than... hey, people need hugs.
Maybe that currency could be in wide use again. Maybe it still is, maybe it never was. But let's not let the semantics bog it down - whether you believe in God, or or whatever you call it, or nothing at all... it still never hurts to spread a little love around.
As I read this phrase (yes, out of a devotional) last night, it felt like I had been given a key to the gates, and punched in the stomach at the same time.
As I have dealt with my own search for love and companionship, I have watched my friends search, too. I have shared in some of their successes and some of their failures. But... my point is, when was the last time you stopped and thought about "love" as something universal and all-consuming... not just a romantic relationship?
Anyone who knows me knows I think a metric-ton about love, it all its myriad forms. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite books. If you're looking just right, you might catch me tear up over silly or emotional displays of affection, beauty, appreciation, eros, AND divinity.
Love in all its form is a lost commodity. We as human beings need to bring it back. Put that currency back into circulation.
It's starts next to you - just being polite, thankful, helpful.
I always liked that commercial, I think for Prudential, where they talk about being responsible - and the lady stops the pizza guy from crossing a busy street in front of a car he didn't see. He in turns stops someone from doing something dangerous, and they help someone pick up something, and on and on, until it returns to the orginal lady character, who is helped by someone, and then helps the pizza guy again.
Another great media example is the Dave Matthews Band video for Everyday (I think), the one where the fellow goes around offering complete strangers a hug, for no reason other than... hey, people need hugs.
Maybe that currency could be in wide use again. Maybe it still is, maybe it never was. But let's not let the semantics bog it down - whether you believe in God, or or whatever you call it, or nothing at all... it still never hurts to spread a little love around.
6.04.2008
Saw things so much clearer.
Rearviewmirror.
It is sometimes much easier to see what, why, and how - when it is over. I wish I could tell my friend to let go, to cut ties, to kiss his past goodbye. It is not easy to look at someone who is travelling a path you walked yourself - you know that load, you bore that pain, and you how it ends. And, you know how it feels.
But... you also know how it feels to come out from under that cloud. Been a whole lot happier since the bitch left town (little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong).
I've hurt. I've lost. I've been lost. I've been there before.
And I've seen the other side. Once you let go... you have freedom.
And that gets us back to risk vs. reward. And I'm the CEO of my heart, so I'm the one that makes the decision to risk what, how much, when. It is a tough call to make. It's damn tough. Having felt the heartbreak, that momentary loss of soul... it is harder to give again.
It is hard to open up.
You need someone who has the key.
But it also makes you more discerning. The bar has been raised. You have standards, morals, values. Sometimes it is too much. But you test, you try, you drag and kick and fight... and then, hopefully, you get it right.
Then you wait for your time, wait for your shot, wait for you moment in the spotlight.
Wait for the chance to risk it all. You don't love like you've never been burned - you love like you know what that feels like, so you love harder, stronger, deeper than before. Your heart, mess that it is/was, opens up more, larger. You take chances.
Sometimes... life can be circular. Life can be a cycle. Sometimes... you live to hurt again.
But I once believed that Love Conquers All.
And.
I still believe that Love. Conquers. All.
Sometimes it is hard to admit it. But faith, hope, love... they are all still there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface... waiting for their moments. They ebb, they flow, they churn into a maelstrom and burst free like a tidal wave.
They are the essence of being human.
I can't say I haven't hurt. But from the rearviewmirror, I can say that, having hurt, I'm better off for it. I'll appreciate what I see when I see it. Love gets sweeter and sweeter, in every possible way (thanks Julie Doiron and Wooden Stars).
So... you hope for your friend, you hope for yourself. You stand on the corner of thought and reason, watch it intersect with love and romance... you stand with your scarred self and stick out your thumb, hitching a ride.
It is sometimes much easier to see what, why, and how - when it is over. I wish I could tell my friend to let go, to cut ties, to kiss his past goodbye. It is not easy to look at someone who is travelling a path you walked yourself - you know that load, you bore that pain, and you how it ends. And, you know how it feels.
But... you also know how it feels to come out from under that cloud. Been a whole lot happier since the bitch left town (little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong).
I've hurt. I've lost. I've been lost. I've been there before.
And I've seen the other side. Once you let go... you have freedom.
And that gets us back to risk vs. reward. And I'm the CEO of my heart, so I'm the one that makes the decision to risk what, how much, when. It is a tough call to make. It's damn tough. Having felt the heartbreak, that momentary loss of soul... it is harder to give again.
It is hard to open up.
You need someone who has the key.
But it also makes you more discerning. The bar has been raised. You have standards, morals, values. Sometimes it is too much. But you test, you try, you drag and kick and fight... and then, hopefully, you get it right.
Then you wait for your time, wait for your shot, wait for you moment in the spotlight.
Wait for the chance to risk it all. You don't love like you've never been burned - you love like you know what that feels like, so you love harder, stronger, deeper than before. Your heart, mess that it is/was, opens up more, larger. You take chances.
Sometimes... life can be circular. Life can be a cycle. Sometimes... you live to hurt again.
But I once believed that Love Conquers All.
And.
I still believe that Love. Conquers. All.
Sometimes it is hard to admit it. But faith, hope, love... they are all still there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface... waiting for their moments. They ebb, they flow, they churn into a maelstrom and burst free like a tidal wave.
They are the essence of being human.
I can't say I haven't hurt. But from the rearviewmirror, I can say that, having hurt, I'm better off for it. I'll appreciate what I see when I see it. Love gets sweeter and sweeter, in every possible way (thanks Julie Doiron and Wooden Stars).
So... you hope for your friend, you hope for yourself. You stand on the corner of thought and reason, watch it intersect with love and romance... you stand with your scarred self and stick out your thumb, hitching a ride.
5.29.2008
Since You Slipped Away...
Billy Joel is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Thanks to Chuck Klosterman in September of 2002, we know that is a small comfort to Billy Joel.
"The happiest times in my life were when my relationships were going well - when I was in love with someone, and someone was loving me," said Joel in the interview that Klosterman wrote for the New York Post newspaper. "But in my whole life, I haven't met the person I can sustain a relationship with yet. So I'm discontented about that. I'm angry with myself. I have regrets."
... it is interesting to note that Billy Joel and I share some feelings, some sentiments, some regrets. But, really... where else does great art come from? The highs and lows of the creative mind, the romantic heart.
And, even with that said... I am better off than I was in 2002, or 2004, or 2006. Reading through my old blog, it is shocking how many snippets of my relationship with my then-girlfriend, and how before that my lack of a romantic relationship with someone, slipped into my writting.
Love is an all-consuming, all-or-nothing passion for almost every human being. It defines us, it defines life, it defines God, it defines all. Our relation to love, in all its myriad forms, plays an important role in how we view the world, and how comfortable we are in those moments when we consider ourselves in it (and perhaps, of it, though the hardcore religious fanatic would never say we were "of" the world).
As I look at myself in the world and perhaps of it, I see progress. I see love - in many of its myriad of forms, though perhaps not in the desparate, romantic form that Billy Joel and I dream of - all around me. And, though Mr. Joel and I lament, and write a tuneful sorrow for thine ears to hear, along with so many of our favorite songwriters... though my heart wants and needs what C.S. Lewis calls "Eros" in the Four Loves... though we all need a little "bang a gong, get it on" ... I can say I am loved, and I am happy.
There are always lonely, hurt, and joyous, fond corners of the heart to explore for the next sweet melody and pensive turn of phrase.
But the days and moments in between can be pretty sweet, too.
Thanks to Chuck Klosterman in September of 2002, we know that is a small comfort to Billy Joel.
"The happiest times in my life were when my relationships were going well - when I was in love with someone, and someone was loving me," said Joel in the interview that Klosterman wrote for the New York Post newspaper. "But in my whole life, I haven't met the person I can sustain a relationship with yet. So I'm discontented about that. I'm angry with myself. I have regrets."
... it is interesting to note that Billy Joel and I share some feelings, some sentiments, some regrets. But, really... where else does great art come from? The highs and lows of the creative mind, the romantic heart.
And, even with that said... I am better off than I was in 2002, or 2004, or 2006. Reading through my old blog, it is shocking how many snippets of my relationship with my then-girlfriend, and how before that my lack of a romantic relationship with someone, slipped into my writting.
Love is an all-consuming, all-or-nothing passion for almost every human being. It defines us, it defines life, it defines God, it defines all. Our relation to love, in all its myriad forms, plays an important role in how we view the world, and how comfortable we are in those moments when we consider ourselves in it (and perhaps, of it, though the hardcore religious fanatic would never say we were "of" the world).
As I look at myself in the world and perhaps of it, I see progress. I see love - in many of its myriad of forms, though perhaps not in the desparate, romantic form that Billy Joel and I dream of - all around me. And, though Mr. Joel and I lament, and write a tuneful sorrow for thine ears to hear, along with so many of our favorite songwriters... though my heart wants and needs what C.S. Lewis calls "Eros" in the Four Loves... though we all need a little "bang a gong, get it on" ... I can say I am loved, and I am happy.
There are always lonely, hurt, and joyous, fond corners of the heart to explore for the next sweet melody and pensive turn of phrase.
But the days and moments in between can be pretty sweet, too.
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