So the cycle begins... again.
It struck me that the last time I played the guitar like that... was in another, similar situation. A similar feeling - a nexus of time and confusion and wondering what's next. I asked God if he understood. I don't think he does sometimes.
I also wonder... is it ok to come back in the good times, and to shy away in the bad? Why does that happen? I don't want to pray, or be faithful, just when I want something.
But there it was, again, last night (and... again this morning)... that wonderful something. Those moments when melodies drip from fingertips, where terse lyrics bleed into verses and chorus. And sometimes a middle 8.
I look at my friends and their lives... I see their successes and failures. I still think each one of us has a purpose.
I wonder when I will stop running from mine.
So simple, to pick it up and just play. Maybe not so simple to write something meaningful... but it is amazing how when you forget about it, it reminds you in the most special of ways. Like just before bed on a Tuesday night.
A detuned string and a disenchanted lullaby. A broken heart and an unchained melody.
Somedays, it's all there is to live for. That is always enough.
And though I wrestle with him daily - God and his mischieveous plans for my life - and can still thank him for the gift of song.
6.20.2008
Fills the pages...
I like this verse from the Say Anything song "Yellow Cat (Slash) Red Cat" -
I watch this dude each night, same table, who creates and crumples up. His eyes are wide from sipping endlessly his endless coffee cup. He feeds me quotes, that lonely goat. I watch him grazing by himself I will not stop him when he rambles; I’m becoming one myself.
I'm becoming one myself. That's an interesting thought. I haven't blogged in a while, I know... I've been too busy, too heartbroken, too angry, too happy, and too busy again, all at once, for the past two weeks. Maybe can throw too drunk in there a time or time - hey, while we're young, right?
I will not stop me when I ramble...
I watch this dude each night, same table, who creates and crumples up. His eyes are wide from sipping endlessly his endless coffee cup. He feeds me quotes, that lonely goat. I watch him grazing by himself I will not stop him when he rambles; I’m becoming one myself.
I'm becoming one myself. That's an interesting thought. I haven't blogged in a while, I know... I've been too busy, too heartbroken, too angry, too happy, and too busy again, all at once, for the past two weeks. Maybe can throw too drunk in there a time or time - hey, while we're young, right?
I will not stop me when I ramble...
6.09.2008
I will hold the candle, 'til it burns up my arm...
Damn. I am trapped, and I feel like I am suffocating. I do not want to lose what might be the greatest love I've found - or the recognition of such potential - and I don't know how to keep that from happening.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
6.08.2008
Come Back
If I keep holding out,... will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense
One of the oldest posts from my old blog:
"SO here's what I am thinking. I am thinking I didn't get enough sleep last night. I am thinking that I have to clean my house tonight, to prepare for Saturday's shin-dig. I am thinking that I hope some of my friends hang around and we have a blast Saturday night. I am thinking that the Pacers best beat the Heat in Game 5 on Saturday night. I am thinking that my stomach is not built for less than 5 hours of sleep, is not built for stress and worry, is not built for running the machine of wonder, creativity, and general wackiness that I am. I am, indeed, thinking that my stomach, which JBQ refers to as my "power plant of love," and which I have aforely mentioned that I think it isn't built to handle any of my current conundrums, I am thinking that my stomach is mad at me for trying to get rid of it through diet and exercise. I am thinking that it is funny that I say it's not built for anything, and yet I am trying to diminish its size and therefore its productivity, of love, stress-handling, no-sleep-kicking, and other witty conundrums. I am thinking that besides all this, I am a cute, witty, loyal, honest, enduring, endearing, and genuine man. I am thinking that I love where I am in life, because life is a journey and an adventure, and I feel like no sleep and stress and cranky tummies all mean that I am living quite an adventure, and for all that, I am thinking that I am in a damn good mood this morning. I am, for sure, thinking that guys are crazy for loving gals, and gals are crazy for loving guys. I am thinking that God (or whatever grand creator you believe or don't believe in) finds this guys/gals thing quite humorous, and I am thinking he laughs at us with joy because of the silly creatures that we are. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with awesome friends. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with an awesome life, and that I am going somewhere, and that I am willing to smile, and to give that smile to someone, to everyone, to someone special, to creation, to creator, and yes, even to my cranky stomach. I am thinking that, beyond this, I know nothing. I am thinking that knowledge is the key.
I am thinking that I am thinking too much. And I am smiling all the way through it."
What, what, what does it all mean? God, this analytical mind can be a blessing and a curse. I need a worry stone.
6.07.2008
So I listen... for the voice inside my head
Fear. I've know in it, felt it, it's been my friend from time to time. Like Over The Rhine remind us, "I'm gonna learn to love... without fear."
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
Haunting, familiar yet...
There are a lot of small towns in Indiana.
I think, then, that there would be a lot of small town people. Genuine people. But, sometimes it seems like that is not the case. Old-fashioned, small town people seem to be a dying breed.
I can thankfully say that I have been very fortunate to have met and befriended a few small town people. Cory, Mike, Pat, Rach, Chris, Rob, Steve... these are people who just plain seem genuine. There is a lifted veil with them.
I like small town people.
I think, then, that there would be a lot of small town people. Genuine people. But, sometimes it seems like that is not the case. Old-fashioned, small town people seem to be a dying breed.
I can thankfully say that I have been very fortunate to have met and befriended a few small town people. Cory, Mike, Pat, Rach, Chris, Rob, Steve... these are people who just plain seem genuine. There is a lifted veil with them.
I like small town people.
6.06.2008
Small my table, sits just one
Not sure how long I can keep up this Pearl Jam-themed, "song lyric = entry title" thing. But I like it. And, in answer to my own question - I can probably keep it up a while. I'm a nut like that.
So... I love my little devotional book. Today's entry was about being, as a child of God, not doing.
I am. I am who I am.
Je suis. That was the first thing we learned in French class - well, other than Je m'appelle ___ (my name is blank). Je suis. I am. To be. Etre. To be.
Perhaps it is of no little significance that God loves us for who we are. It is an interesting idea... that God loves me, warts and all, mistakes and failures... and of course successes and triumphs, too.
To be is to be. To know thy self is to know that you are imperfect. To accept that you are imperfect is a tacit recognition that your imperfections are ok, that in many cases they make you a better person. For me, it is also a recognition that God loves us not despite our imperfections, but because of them... for not all imperfections are "sin" (and I'm not getting into what that means, yet...). Even if they were, God loves us just the same.
I know myself. I am.
And I am more than happy with that. It is good to be, to exist, to walk this earth as me.
So... I love my little devotional book. Today's entry was about being, as a child of God, not doing.
I am. I am who I am.
Je suis. That was the first thing we learned in French class - well, other than Je m'appelle ___ (my name is blank). Je suis. I am. To be. Etre. To be.
Perhaps it is of no little significance that God loves us for who we are. It is an interesting idea... that God loves me, warts and all, mistakes and failures... and of course successes and triumphs, too.
To be is to be. To know thy self is to know that you are imperfect. To accept that you are imperfect is a tacit recognition that your imperfections are ok, that in many cases they make you a better person. For me, it is also a recognition that God loves us not despite our imperfections, but because of them... for not all imperfections are "sin" (and I'm not getting into what that means, yet...). Even if they were, God loves us just the same.
I know myself. I am.
And I am more than happy with that. It is good to be, to exist, to walk this earth as me.
6.05.2008
Your light made us stars
"May love act as a bridge... over the very least of your exchanges." - David Teems
As I read this phrase (yes, out of a devotional) last night, it felt like I had been given a key to the gates, and punched in the stomach at the same time.
As I have dealt with my own search for love and companionship, I have watched my friends search, too. I have shared in some of their successes and some of their failures. But... my point is, when was the last time you stopped and thought about "love" as something universal and all-consuming... not just a romantic relationship?
Anyone who knows me knows I think a metric-ton about love, it all its myriad forms. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite books. If you're looking just right, you might catch me tear up over silly or emotional displays of affection, beauty, appreciation, eros, AND divinity.
Love in all its form is a lost commodity. We as human beings need to bring it back. Put that currency back into circulation.
It's starts next to you - just being polite, thankful, helpful.
I always liked that commercial, I think for Prudential, where they talk about being responsible - and the lady stops the pizza guy from crossing a busy street in front of a car he didn't see. He in turns stops someone from doing something dangerous, and they help someone pick up something, and on and on, until it returns to the orginal lady character, who is helped by someone, and then helps the pizza guy again.
Another great media example is the Dave Matthews Band video for Everyday (I think), the one where the fellow goes around offering complete strangers a hug, for no reason other than... hey, people need hugs.
Maybe that currency could be in wide use again. Maybe it still is, maybe it never was. But let's not let the semantics bog it down - whether you believe in God, or or whatever you call it, or nothing at all... it still never hurts to spread a little love around.
As I read this phrase (yes, out of a devotional) last night, it felt like I had been given a key to the gates, and punched in the stomach at the same time.
As I have dealt with my own search for love and companionship, I have watched my friends search, too. I have shared in some of their successes and some of their failures. But... my point is, when was the last time you stopped and thought about "love" as something universal and all-consuming... not just a romantic relationship?
Anyone who knows me knows I think a metric-ton about love, it all its myriad forms. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite books. If you're looking just right, you might catch me tear up over silly or emotional displays of affection, beauty, appreciation, eros, AND divinity.
Love in all its form is a lost commodity. We as human beings need to bring it back. Put that currency back into circulation.
It's starts next to you - just being polite, thankful, helpful.
I always liked that commercial, I think for Prudential, where they talk about being responsible - and the lady stops the pizza guy from crossing a busy street in front of a car he didn't see. He in turns stops someone from doing something dangerous, and they help someone pick up something, and on and on, until it returns to the orginal lady character, who is helped by someone, and then helps the pizza guy again.
Another great media example is the Dave Matthews Band video for Everyday (I think), the one where the fellow goes around offering complete strangers a hug, for no reason other than... hey, people need hugs.
Maybe that currency could be in wide use again. Maybe it still is, maybe it never was. But let's not let the semantics bog it down - whether you believe in God, or or whatever you call it, or nothing at all... it still never hurts to spread a little love around.
6.04.2008
Saw things so much clearer.
Rearviewmirror.
It is sometimes much easier to see what, why, and how - when it is over. I wish I could tell my friend to let go, to cut ties, to kiss his past goodbye. It is not easy to look at someone who is travelling a path you walked yourself - you know that load, you bore that pain, and you how it ends. And, you know how it feels.
But... you also know how it feels to come out from under that cloud. Been a whole lot happier since the bitch left town (little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong).
I've hurt. I've lost. I've been lost. I've been there before.
And I've seen the other side. Once you let go... you have freedom.
And that gets us back to risk vs. reward. And I'm the CEO of my heart, so I'm the one that makes the decision to risk what, how much, when. It is a tough call to make. It's damn tough. Having felt the heartbreak, that momentary loss of soul... it is harder to give again.
It is hard to open up.
You need someone who has the key.
But it also makes you more discerning. The bar has been raised. You have standards, morals, values. Sometimes it is too much. But you test, you try, you drag and kick and fight... and then, hopefully, you get it right.
Then you wait for your time, wait for your shot, wait for you moment in the spotlight.
Wait for the chance to risk it all. You don't love like you've never been burned - you love like you know what that feels like, so you love harder, stronger, deeper than before. Your heart, mess that it is/was, opens up more, larger. You take chances.
Sometimes... life can be circular. Life can be a cycle. Sometimes... you live to hurt again.
But I once believed that Love Conquers All.
And.
I still believe that Love. Conquers. All.
Sometimes it is hard to admit it. But faith, hope, love... they are all still there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface... waiting for their moments. They ebb, they flow, they churn into a maelstrom and burst free like a tidal wave.
They are the essence of being human.
I can't say I haven't hurt. But from the rearviewmirror, I can say that, having hurt, I'm better off for it. I'll appreciate what I see when I see it. Love gets sweeter and sweeter, in every possible way (thanks Julie Doiron and Wooden Stars).
So... you hope for your friend, you hope for yourself. You stand on the corner of thought and reason, watch it intersect with love and romance... you stand with your scarred self and stick out your thumb, hitching a ride.
It is sometimes much easier to see what, why, and how - when it is over. I wish I could tell my friend to let go, to cut ties, to kiss his past goodbye. It is not easy to look at someone who is travelling a path you walked yourself - you know that load, you bore that pain, and you how it ends. And, you know how it feels.
But... you also know how it feels to come out from under that cloud. Been a whole lot happier since the bitch left town (little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong).
I've hurt. I've lost. I've been lost. I've been there before.
And I've seen the other side. Once you let go... you have freedom.
And that gets us back to risk vs. reward. And I'm the CEO of my heart, so I'm the one that makes the decision to risk what, how much, when. It is a tough call to make. It's damn tough. Having felt the heartbreak, that momentary loss of soul... it is harder to give again.
It is hard to open up.
You need someone who has the key.
But it also makes you more discerning. The bar has been raised. You have standards, morals, values. Sometimes it is too much. But you test, you try, you drag and kick and fight... and then, hopefully, you get it right.
Then you wait for your time, wait for your shot, wait for you moment in the spotlight.
Wait for the chance to risk it all. You don't love like you've never been burned - you love like you know what that feels like, so you love harder, stronger, deeper than before. Your heart, mess that it is/was, opens up more, larger. You take chances.
Sometimes... life can be circular. Life can be a cycle. Sometimes... you live to hurt again.
But I once believed that Love Conquers All.
And.
I still believe that Love. Conquers. All.
Sometimes it is hard to admit it. But faith, hope, love... they are all still there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface... waiting for their moments. They ebb, they flow, they churn into a maelstrom and burst free like a tidal wave.
They are the essence of being human.
I can't say I haven't hurt. But from the rearviewmirror, I can say that, having hurt, I'm better off for it. I'll appreciate what I see when I see it. Love gets sweeter and sweeter, in every possible way (thanks Julie Doiron and Wooden Stars).
So... you hope for your friend, you hope for yourself. You stand on the corner of thought and reason, watch it intersect with love and romance... you stand with your scarred self and stick out your thumb, hitching a ride.
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