Each day can really be a war.
I wonder if there's something wrong with my body, and if my aversion to going to the doctor is starting to get a little ridiculous. Thinking I can't get off this kick, whatever it is. I mean, I am not sick, but I am not well. Who knows.
Otherwise... each day.
My stress level and emotions have been through the meat grinder the last few weeks. Things are better now - not what I anticipated, but strangely better and getting better. There are good people in my life, and some new good people coming into my life, and the old stalwarts that I depend on and love.
And Music, of course, there through it all. Love it, love it, love it.
I'll take the varmint's path... but maybe I won't end up just like I began.
1.26.2009
Fuel For The Feeding End - Coheed & Cambria
Why would you deny me answers?
If I’m just a boy on the break of being
Horror and hell through its fires
Be brutally honest, was it better before me?
In the curve of your body
How I want her with me
The truth of the story
The Vishual, I wish you all
The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire...
...
Could this be that hard for me?
To configure the new love in vain
To my new entity or banish it home to the grave
I will not save… your world
If I’m just a boy on the break of being
Horror and hell through its fires
Be brutally honest, was it better before me?
In the curve of your body
How I want her with me
The truth of the story
The Vishual, I wish you all
The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire...
...
Could this be that hard for me?
To configure the new love in vain
To my new entity or banish it home to the grave
I will not save… your world
Optimysticism
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." -- Admiral James Stockdale.
Obviously, a war quote kind of seems out of place with what I am feeling... but the sentiment is good nonetheless.
Don't give up hope... but be realistic.
Edit: here's the whole bit I drew the quote above from.
"Optimism is a critical survival tool, but only when it's balanced with realism. This concept is known as the Stockdale Paradox, named after Admiral James Stockdale, the highest-ranking American prisoner of war in Vietnam. The idea was popularized by author Jim Collins in his best-selling book Good to Great. When Collins asked Stockdale to explain which American prisoners did not survive captivity in Vietnam, the admiral replied, 'Oh, that's easy. The optimists.' Collins was perplexed, but Stockdale explained that the optimists 'were the ones who said 'we're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go; and then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.' Stockdale went on: 'This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.'"
From NYTimes "Freakonomics" Blog.
Obviously, a war quote kind of seems out of place with what I am feeling... but the sentiment is good nonetheless.
Don't give up hope... but be realistic.
Edit: here's the whole bit I drew the quote above from.
"Optimism is a critical survival tool, but only when it's balanced with realism. This concept is known as the Stockdale Paradox, named after Admiral James Stockdale, the highest-ranking American prisoner of war in Vietnam. The idea was popularized by author Jim Collins in his best-selling book Good to Great. When Collins asked Stockdale to explain which American prisoners did not survive captivity in Vietnam, the admiral replied, 'Oh, that's easy. The optimists.' Collins was perplexed, but Stockdale explained that the optimists 'were the ones who said 'we're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go; and then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.' Stockdale went on: 'This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.'"
From NYTimes "Freakonomics" Blog.
1.21.2009
Love is a Surrender
So the good times are gone. Once more I stand here with a wreck of a heart, wondering, hoping, but broken just the same.
My mind is spinning with every "win her back" idea I can think of... flowers, hugs, letters, any way I can spend time with her, any way I could show her how I feel. But all of that is meaningless at this point - not meaningless, but pointless. She knows how I feel. She doesn't know how she feels, or rather, doesn't know if she's ready to feel more.
Sure, I understand. It fucking hurts. It always does. But I understand.
My heart and my head, and my very soul, are in total upheaval. I wanted a battle to fight, but this wasn't what i was hoping for. How can I fight this way? It certainly doesn't feel like I am fighting for her.
Time is the great equalizer they say. Time heals all wounds - but that never is sweet when you hear it, when you're the one hurting. Because, after all, time just kills us all.
My tears, my anxieties, my pain won't fix this. My love, my giving-of-self, my sacrifice, my passion... it cannot fix this. Like every time... it's not in my hands. I have climbed the mountain, only to reach down for her hand...
It's up to her to grab it.
In my little book, my little Love devotional that I read every so often, had this to say, on this day:
Love is not a negotiation. It is a surrender. An absolute surrender... a total giving, an absolute submission of my absolute self. I entrust my soul to something I do not fully understand... and there is no middle ground, no margin of compromise. Love is where forever keeps itself.
Now... if only she could open her eyes... and see.
My mind is spinning with every "win her back" idea I can think of... flowers, hugs, letters, any way I can spend time with her, any way I could show her how I feel. But all of that is meaningless at this point - not meaningless, but pointless. She knows how I feel. She doesn't know how she feels, or rather, doesn't know if she's ready to feel more.
Sure, I understand. It fucking hurts. It always does. But I understand.
My heart and my head, and my very soul, are in total upheaval. I wanted a battle to fight, but this wasn't what i was hoping for. How can I fight this way? It certainly doesn't feel like I am fighting for her.
Time is the great equalizer they say. Time heals all wounds - but that never is sweet when you hear it, when you're the one hurting. Because, after all, time just kills us all.
My tears, my anxieties, my pain won't fix this. My love, my giving-of-self, my sacrifice, my passion... it cannot fix this. Like every time... it's not in my hands. I have climbed the mountain, only to reach down for her hand...
It's up to her to grab it.
In my little book, my little Love devotional that I read every so often, had this to say, on this day:
Love is not a negotiation. It is a surrender. An absolute surrender... a total giving, an absolute submission of my absolute self. I entrust my soul to something I do not fully understand... and there is no middle ground, no margin of compromise. Love is where forever keeps itself.
Now... if only she could open her eyes... and see.
1.16.2009
Praise
So... I've been in my books and my devotions and dare I say even the Bible lately, looking for answers, fighting demons, trying to make my way in this world and in the sticky situation I am.
I read something today in my devotional that just hit my in the chest (a lot of messages hitting me dead on lately...): that sometimes, it's better to just say thanks than to ask anything.
If it weren't for Rach, and to a lesser but still important extent, Kyle, I'd be going insane this week. Completely insane. So thanks. Thanks for keeping me grounded, reminding me what is important, and helping me to hope and to fight, to not quit.
God... thanks. Thanks so much for everything, every opportunity, every friend, every detour, every breath.
I couldn't do this without these wonderful people in my life.
Thanks most of all for allowing me to rediscover faith, hope and love... and yes, most of all love.
I have so many things to pray for, so many things to ask for, but for now... thank you so much for the wonderful blessing you have showered my life with. Even when I am not looking, you are still faithful. And though I may not always get what I want or what I think I need, you are still faithful. So thanks.
I read something today in my devotional that just hit my in the chest (a lot of messages hitting me dead on lately...): that sometimes, it's better to just say thanks than to ask anything.
If it weren't for Rach, and to a lesser but still important extent, Kyle, I'd be going insane this week. Completely insane. So thanks. Thanks for keeping me grounded, reminding me what is important, and helping me to hope and to fight, to not quit.
God... thanks. Thanks so much for everything, every opportunity, every friend, every detour, every breath.
I couldn't do this without these wonderful people in my life.
Thanks most of all for allowing me to rediscover faith, hope and love... and yes, most of all love.
I have so many things to pray for, so many things to ask for, but for now... thank you so much for the wonderful blessing you have showered my life with. Even when I am not looking, you are still faithful. And though I may not always get what I want or what I think I need, you are still faithful. So thanks.
1.09.2009
Music, Guitar, Dylan Sneed, Love, God... and Me
A few weeks back I quoted a Dylan Sneed song, "What I Thought." Today, I listened to it again. I can't say how amazingly happy and excited I am to play a show with this singer/songwriter from Texas. I haven't anticipated something like this in a long while. The man's writing is fantastic.
Below is another sampling, from that same song. It hit me particularly hard this morning, for obvious reasons to those who know me and know what is going on right now. But beyond love and life and all it's joys and ups and downs and changes and etc., this guy can write. I am so looking forward to January 19th.
I knew you were pretty, you seemed kind of smart
But I just wasn't ready for the shape of your heart
Well charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
But when I talk to you, girl I can feel my heart beating
You're not who I thought you'd be
You're just who you are
And the wise and the fool agree
That you've got a fire in your heart
That's what I've been looking for
And that's what I've found
So I'm ready to start feeling
My feet leave the ground
Below is another sampling, from that same song. It hit me particularly hard this morning, for obvious reasons to those who know me and know what is going on right now. But beyond love and life and all it's joys and ups and downs and changes and etc., this guy can write. I am so looking forward to January 19th.
I knew you were pretty, you seemed kind of smart
But I just wasn't ready for the shape of your heart
Well charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
But when I talk to you, girl I can feel my heart beating
You're not who I thought you'd be
You're just who you are
And the wise and the fool agree
That you've got a fire in your heart
That's what I've been looking for
And that's what I've found
So I'm ready to start feeling
My feet leave the ground
1.07.2009
We'll Keep Marching To The Top Of This Tower/ Love Is A Tower
A good friend recently discussed the balance of good versus evil on her blog (thanks for the insight Rach - good post), and the got me thinking. A lot of what she discussed had to do with choice. And choice can be a bitch, let me tell you.
I know my own heart, and I know I struggle with certain things. I want so bad to find what I have sought out that, when it comes close, my heart wars with my mind - chivalry, love, goodness versus self-doubt, jealousy, worrying. The good in me wars with the bad. And I have to choose which voice to listen to, the heart that wants to be free or the head that knows we've been down this path before, and left a broken man.
I am not a broken man. But... sometimes I can't help thinking there's a little Roland of Gilead in me, the Gunslinger. I've joked, and been serious, too, before about slinging lead in my songs. More than that, though, is the one-mindedness, the determination to see the tower, to climb to the top and conquer whatever is there.
And thanks to my boys in Pearl Jam, I get the reminder that Love is a Tower.
So, am I Roland, pursuing that which is forever seemingly out of my grasp, in the distance and dying as I march on, my Tower of Love? And, for those who have finished the Dark Tower books... have I been like Roland in other ways? In the beginning? At the end, if and when he finally gets his tower? In the early years, with Susan?
There is nothing wrong. Everything, or damn near, is right. I just hope I can fight my head, and conquer the tower of Self-Doubt, so I can storm the Tower of Love, and claim that elusive son of a bitch as my own. As someone who's involved said recently, it's about time. For her and me both.
Now then, with that out of the way... if Roland is all impulse, but slow-witted in the books - more mathematical than imaginative, more stoic than romantic (though very romantic in his own ways), is there a way to escape his curse? I have no desire to live for the chase... even though life is about the journey and not the destination, this should be but the next (albeit big) step on that wonderful walk/run/crawl/leap.
All this is just philosphical psycho-babble... my musings on a busy but boring Wednesday afternoon. Things are going well and easy. I just don't want to hold on too fast or too much, too soon, too hard, too loose, too little, too etc, too etc, too etc.
I just want to take this one to the top of the Tower (the Love one, not the others), and finally get - and SHARE - my passionate love affair.
So God, if you ARE at the top of that Tower? Throw me the key, man. She's earned it and maybe I have too.
I know my own heart, and I know I struggle with certain things. I want so bad to find what I have sought out that, when it comes close, my heart wars with my mind - chivalry, love, goodness versus self-doubt, jealousy, worrying. The good in me wars with the bad. And I have to choose which voice to listen to, the heart that wants to be free or the head that knows we've been down this path before, and left a broken man.
I am not a broken man. But... sometimes I can't help thinking there's a little Roland of Gilead in me, the Gunslinger. I've joked, and been serious, too, before about slinging lead in my songs. More than that, though, is the one-mindedness, the determination to see the tower, to climb to the top and conquer whatever is there.
And thanks to my boys in Pearl Jam, I get the reminder that Love is a Tower.
So, am I Roland, pursuing that which is forever seemingly out of my grasp, in the distance and dying as I march on, my Tower of Love? And, for those who have finished the Dark Tower books... have I been like Roland in other ways? In the beginning? At the end, if and when he finally gets his tower? In the early years, with Susan?
There is nothing wrong. Everything, or damn near, is right. I just hope I can fight my head, and conquer the tower of Self-Doubt, so I can storm the Tower of Love, and claim that elusive son of a bitch as my own. As someone who's involved said recently, it's about time. For her and me both.
Now then, with that out of the way... if Roland is all impulse, but slow-witted in the books - more mathematical than imaginative, more stoic than romantic (though very romantic in his own ways), is there a way to escape his curse? I have no desire to live for the chase... even though life is about the journey and not the destination, this should be but the next (albeit big) step on that wonderful walk/run/crawl/leap.
All this is just philosphical psycho-babble... my musings on a busy but boring Wednesday afternoon. Things are going well and easy. I just don't want to hold on too fast or too much, too soon, too hard, too loose, too little, too etc, too etc, too etc.
I just want to take this one to the top of the Tower (the Love one, not the others), and finally get - and SHARE - my passionate love affair.
So God, if you ARE at the top of that Tower? Throw me the key, man. She's earned it and maybe I have too.
I'm Amazed
Yeesh! I know this isn't a "real" entry, but it's what you get. Things are going well. I am scared to death. And through it all... I have hope. And that is a good thing.
I'm amazed in the quiet ocean
I'm amazed at your wrong devotion
I'm amazed at what the people saying
I'm amazed by a divided nation
Like the middle of the earth
I get disrupted
I'm amazed at all that has been
I'm amazed at all who be
I'm amazed at the TV stations
I'm amazed what they want me to believe
After all is said and done
Will we seek justice
I'm amazed at the evolution
I'm amazed at the lack of fame
I'm amazed at the love we're rejecting
I'm amazed that we accepted this place
Like the middle of the earth and the middle of the ages
Like a river I get disrupted
I'm amazed
I'm amazed
I'm amazed
I'm amazed in the quiet ocean
I'm amazed at your wrong devotion
I'm amazed at what the people saying
I'm amazed by a divided nation
Like the middle of the earth
I get disrupted
I'm amazed at all that has been
I'm amazed at all who be
I'm amazed at the TV stations
I'm amazed what they want me to believe
After all is said and done
Will we seek justice
I'm amazed at the evolution
I'm amazed at the lack of fame
I'm amazed at the love we're rejecting
I'm amazed that we accepted this place
Like the middle of the earth and the middle of the ages
Like a river I get disrupted
I'm amazed
I'm amazed
I'm amazed
1.06.2009
Don't Wait
This one goes out to Cory. Who loves Dashboard Confessional/ deserves to be on the cover of Tiger Beat. Or something like that. Anyway, pertinent to my last post...
The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I'm gonna look at it again
Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
You get one look
I'll show you something that the knife took
A bit too early for my own good
Now let's not speak of it again
Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
Don't wait, Don't wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don't wait
To lay your armor down...
The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I'm gonna look at it again
Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
You get one look
I'll show you something that the knife took
A bit too early for my own good
Now let's not speak of it again
Don't wait, Don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
Don't wait, Don't wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don't wait
To lay your armor down...
Don't Let It Take The Fight Outta You
Sometimes, it isn't as easy as it looks. I can't say it's not as great as it sounds... but it isn't easy. It takes time, patience, honesty, openness, more patience, and quite a bit of giving of one's self.
As much as I love the feeling of it, I won't lie - part of it is also like being sliced open, butterflied, exposed. No one likes to be exposed, not like that. Inside there are things wonderful, but there are also things not-so-wonderful. We've got our skeletons in this closet, and our insecurities, in this one, here.
"Opening is not easy," I wrote in "Reflections." While that tune is more about being spiritually lost, the point I am trying to make is sound - that opening up, at any time and in any way, is tough. It's not easy to lay yourself out there - whether it's to the mirror, to god, to a friend or a loved one, or someone special.
One of my own personal relfections has always been how cyclical life can be (yes, like a cycle, or a circle... not cynical, which you could at times accuse me of... this is not one of those times). It's not always easy, and it's not always meant to be easy. Sometimes it is hard, tough, sucks, and is downright shitty. Sometimes it's lonely.
And sometimes it is not. The ups and downs, though, are what make us who we are. And I have seen both. I've got skeletons here and there. And I've got a trophy room, too.
Showing someone your insides isn't always easy. But neither is having someone to show your insides too.
Ben Harper said it best: "don't let it take the fight outta you." The wheel's gonna keep on turnin'... it's our job to keep on going with the flow, ride the ups and downs, learn from it all, and make our life one to remember.
As much as I love the feeling of it, I won't lie - part of it is also like being sliced open, butterflied, exposed. No one likes to be exposed, not like that. Inside there are things wonderful, but there are also things not-so-wonderful. We've got our skeletons in this closet, and our insecurities, in this one, here.
"Opening is not easy," I wrote in "Reflections." While that tune is more about being spiritually lost, the point I am trying to make is sound - that opening up, at any time and in any way, is tough. It's not easy to lay yourself out there - whether it's to the mirror, to god, to a friend or a loved one, or someone special.
One of my own personal relfections has always been how cyclical life can be (yes, like a cycle, or a circle... not cynical, which you could at times accuse me of... this is not one of those times). It's not always easy, and it's not always meant to be easy. Sometimes it is hard, tough, sucks, and is downright shitty. Sometimes it's lonely.
And sometimes it is not. The ups and downs, though, are what make us who we are. And I have seen both. I've got skeletons here and there. And I've got a trophy room, too.
Showing someone your insides isn't always easy. But neither is having someone to show your insides too.
Ben Harper said it best: "don't let it take the fight outta you." The wheel's gonna keep on turnin'... it's our job to keep on going with the flow, ride the ups and downs, learn from it all, and make our life one to remember.
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