Ah, what a strange, dynamic world I live in. My ruminations on these things probably aren't worth much, but... I am nothing if not a writer. So, I'll tell you my b.s. opinions and you'll tell me yours, and together we'll drink 7-7s into the sunset. Or something like that.
So, I brought in my "burnt CD wallet" (a CD wallet containing only burnt CDs) from my home/car into work a week or so ago. This gives us a myriad of listening options at work, and those who know me know I can make one helluva mix tape, so there's some really good stuff on disc being played in my office.
The problem - more than I remembered, a vast majority of discs in the collection are mixes I either made for a particular ex-girlfriend, or are mixes made to reflect my mood at the time our relationship began to fail and spiraled down into the depressing, hurtful, and sometimes hateful thing it became.
So my artist's tears drip down in my heart as the blood machine works, and yes, yes I am so sick. But Marah still makes me smile wistfully, Blue Merle makes me think of the Columbus Zoo and driving around Ohio, and Over The Rhine still makes my heart flutter. Through it all, so much music is the soundtrack to my life, it'd take a hundred discs a year to explain it all.
Gatsby's American Dream say it well: thinking that I can make this right, in fact I know I've got to make this right... I'm done fucking around with the guilt engine.
Or the D.B.T.'s, who mean it when they say "This Highway's Mean" - because sometimes it is. Sometimes we can't be "Bothered." Sometimes the glass is only "1/2 Full." Sometimes life leaves you "High and Dry" - - and you wonder if you'll ever feel the way those songs make you remember feeling.
Some days, when the girl you like won't call, and you wonder if she ever will, you really do with you'd be done fucking around with the guilt engine. 'Cause that fucker runs overtime, all the time, until the wheels come loose and you're dead. All the rhetoric in the world can't save your ass when the big hand comes to take us all away.
And whether or not God is up there and listening at all (and like Billy Corgan, I really wonder if he is), that doesn't matter to me right now. What I want is to feel the way I want to feel, and someone else holds that key, and she won't open the lock. I wander around in my existential conundrum, but wandering and wondering gets us nowhere. Cliffs surround, walls close in.
Change comes slowly, quickly, never and not at all and all at once.
It just doesn't add up. And that's why math is dead to me now.
7.17.2008
7.10.2008
Behind Blue Eyes
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
... out, out, out! Damn you Pete Townshend, get out of my head!
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
... out, out, out! Damn you Pete Townshend, get out of my head!
7.08.2008
My Brain... via "Baba O'Riley"
Out here in the fields - you know, I grew up on a small ranch. Small town kid. A classmate of mine died just yesterday... and everyone from my high school crawls out of the woodworks. It always took a tragedy to make us all see eye to eye.
I fight for my meals - I've been pretty damn lucky so far, and haven't had to do this too much. That said, I am way too damned broke, and it ain't getting any better.
I get my back into my living - you can say that again. Jobs kill me, I think. I start out loving it, then end up hating it when stress takes control. There is no escape. I used to think the bible was silly, what with all it's toil and hard work stuff... now, not so sure.
I don't need to fight - but I always do. Now, I just wish I had something worth fighting for.
To prove I'm right - yet, unfortunately, the thing I want to fight for, I can't. The things I want to do, I don't have the fortitude or the guts to do. I am, to say the least, shallow on the inside.
I don't need to be forgiven - God and I have been having this argument. Damn him, he always wins...
Don't cry, don't raise your eye - I don't cry much anyway, not anymore. I gave it up after shedding far too many tears for two or so women. I should've learned the first time.
It's only teenage wasteland - damn right it is. Angst, envy, lack of patience, anger and hate, misplaced love, broken hearts, tortured artist soul... all here for the world to see.
Sally, take my hand - still looking for a Sally...
We'll travel south crossland - I'd love a vacation. I need a vacation.
Put out the fire, don't look past my shoulder - ah, but I never, never want the fire to go out. I stoke that bitch all night long... and still, she burns me.
The exodus is here - I've been waiting a long time. A long time.
The happy ones are near - thank God for great friends and wonderful family.
Let's get together, before we get much older - but no, we're all becoming damaged goods. We all got baggage now. It makes life interesting, for sure. But we ARE getting older, and yet things remain the same. Still waiting on that exodus.
Teenage Wasteland! It's only teenage wasteland - yes, it all comes back to this... hope, love, faith... disappointment? Again?
We're all wasted! - well, I'm not. Maybe I should be. Never was my thing.
I'll stick with the Teenage Wasteland part, thank you very much.
I fight for my meals - I've been pretty damn lucky so far, and haven't had to do this too much. That said, I am way too damned broke, and it ain't getting any better.
I get my back into my living - you can say that again. Jobs kill me, I think. I start out loving it, then end up hating it when stress takes control. There is no escape. I used to think the bible was silly, what with all it's toil and hard work stuff... now, not so sure.
I don't need to fight - but I always do. Now, I just wish I had something worth fighting for.
To prove I'm right - yet, unfortunately, the thing I want to fight for, I can't. The things I want to do, I don't have the fortitude or the guts to do. I am, to say the least, shallow on the inside.
I don't need to be forgiven - God and I have been having this argument. Damn him, he always wins...
Don't cry, don't raise your eye - I don't cry much anyway, not anymore. I gave it up after shedding far too many tears for two or so women. I should've learned the first time.
It's only teenage wasteland - damn right it is. Angst, envy, lack of patience, anger and hate, misplaced love, broken hearts, tortured artist soul... all here for the world to see.
Sally, take my hand - still looking for a Sally...
We'll travel south crossland - I'd love a vacation. I need a vacation.
Put out the fire, don't look past my shoulder - ah, but I never, never want the fire to go out. I stoke that bitch all night long... and still, she burns me.
The exodus is here - I've been waiting a long time. A long time.
The happy ones are near - thank God for great friends and wonderful family.
Let's get together, before we get much older - but no, we're all becoming damaged goods. We all got baggage now. It makes life interesting, for sure. But we ARE getting older, and yet things remain the same. Still waiting on that exodus.
Teenage Wasteland! It's only teenage wasteland - yes, it all comes back to this... hope, love, faith... disappointment? Again?
We're all wasted! - well, I'm not. Maybe I should be. Never was my thing.
I'll stick with the Teenage Wasteland part, thank you very much.
I don't need to be forgiven!!!
This month... brought to you by The Who.
Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven
Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland
Sally ,take my hand
Travel south crossland
Put out the fire
Don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together
Before we get much older
Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Oh, oh
Teenage wasteland
They're all wasted!
7.02.2008
all my rivals will see what i have in store
So the cycle begins... again.
It struck me that the last time I played the guitar like that... was in another, similar situation. A similar feeling - a nexus of time and confusion and wondering what's next. I asked God if he understood. I don't think he does sometimes.
I also wonder... is it ok to come back in the good times, and to shy away in the bad? Why does that happen? I don't want to pray, or be faithful, just when I want something.
But there it was, again, last night (and... again this morning)... that wonderful something. Those moments when melodies drip from fingertips, where terse lyrics bleed into verses and chorus. And sometimes a middle 8.
I look at my friends and their lives... I see their successes and failures. I still think each one of us has a purpose.
I wonder when I will stop running from mine.
So simple, to pick it up and just play. Maybe not so simple to write something meaningful... but it is amazing how when you forget about it, it reminds you in the most special of ways. Like just before bed on a Tuesday night.
A detuned string and a disenchanted lullaby. A broken heart and an unchained melody.
Somedays, it's all there is to live for. That is always enough.
And though I wrestle with him daily - God and his mischieveous plans for my life - and can still thank him for the gift of song.
It struck me that the last time I played the guitar like that... was in another, similar situation. A similar feeling - a nexus of time and confusion and wondering what's next. I asked God if he understood. I don't think he does sometimes.
I also wonder... is it ok to come back in the good times, and to shy away in the bad? Why does that happen? I don't want to pray, or be faithful, just when I want something.
But there it was, again, last night (and... again this morning)... that wonderful something. Those moments when melodies drip from fingertips, where terse lyrics bleed into verses and chorus. And sometimes a middle 8.
I look at my friends and their lives... I see their successes and failures. I still think each one of us has a purpose.
I wonder when I will stop running from mine.
So simple, to pick it up and just play. Maybe not so simple to write something meaningful... but it is amazing how when you forget about it, it reminds you in the most special of ways. Like just before bed on a Tuesday night.
A detuned string and a disenchanted lullaby. A broken heart and an unchained melody.
Somedays, it's all there is to live for. That is always enough.
And though I wrestle with him daily - God and his mischieveous plans for my life - and can still thank him for the gift of song.
6.20.2008
Fills the pages...
I like this verse from the Say Anything song "Yellow Cat (Slash) Red Cat" -
I watch this dude each night, same table, who creates and crumples up. His eyes are wide from sipping endlessly his endless coffee cup. He feeds me quotes, that lonely goat. I watch him grazing by himself I will not stop him when he rambles; I’m becoming one myself.
I'm becoming one myself. That's an interesting thought. I haven't blogged in a while, I know... I've been too busy, too heartbroken, too angry, too happy, and too busy again, all at once, for the past two weeks. Maybe can throw too drunk in there a time or time - hey, while we're young, right?
I will not stop me when I ramble...
I watch this dude each night, same table, who creates and crumples up. His eyes are wide from sipping endlessly his endless coffee cup. He feeds me quotes, that lonely goat. I watch him grazing by himself I will not stop him when he rambles; I’m becoming one myself.
I'm becoming one myself. That's an interesting thought. I haven't blogged in a while, I know... I've been too busy, too heartbroken, too angry, too happy, and too busy again, all at once, for the past two weeks. Maybe can throw too drunk in there a time or time - hey, while we're young, right?
I will not stop me when I ramble...
6.09.2008
I will hold the candle, 'til it burns up my arm...
Damn. I am trapped, and I feel like I am suffocating. I do not want to lose what might be the greatest love I've found - or the recognition of such potential - and I don't know how to keep that from happening.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
6.08.2008
Come Back
If I keep holding out,... will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back
I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...
Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back
And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way
There must be an open door
For you to
Come back
And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream
And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me
And it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
I'll be here
Come back
Come back
(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense
One of the oldest posts from my old blog:
"SO here's what I am thinking. I am thinking I didn't get enough sleep last night. I am thinking that I have to clean my house tonight, to prepare for Saturday's shin-dig. I am thinking that I hope some of my friends hang around and we have a blast Saturday night. I am thinking that the Pacers best beat the Heat in Game 5 on Saturday night. I am thinking that my stomach is not built for less than 5 hours of sleep, is not built for stress and worry, is not built for running the machine of wonder, creativity, and general wackiness that I am. I am, indeed, thinking that my stomach, which JBQ refers to as my "power plant of love," and which I have aforely mentioned that I think it isn't built to handle any of my current conundrums, I am thinking that my stomach is mad at me for trying to get rid of it through diet and exercise. I am thinking that it is funny that I say it's not built for anything, and yet I am trying to diminish its size and therefore its productivity, of love, stress-handling, no-sleep-kicking, and other witty conundrums. I am thinking that besides all this, I am a cute, witty, loyal, honest, enduring, endearing, and genuine man. I am thinking that I love where I am in life, because life is a journey and an adventure, and I feel like no sleep and stress and cranky tummies all mean that I am living quite an adventure, and for all that, I am thinking that I am in a damn good mood this morning. I am, for sure, thinking that guys are crazy for loving gals, and gals are crazy for loving guys. I am thinking that God (or whatever grand creator you believe or don't believe in) finds this guys/gals thing quite humorous, and I am thinking he laughs at us with joy because of the silly creatures that we are. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with awesome friends. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with an awesome life, and that I am going somewhere, and that I am willing to smile, and to give that smile to someone, to everyone, to someone special, to creation, to creator, and yes, even to my cranky stomach. I am thinking that, beyond this, I know nothing. I am thinking that knowledge is the key.
I am thinking that I am thinking too much. And I am smiling all the way through it."
What, what, what does it all mean? God, this analytical mind can be a blessing and a curse. I need a worry stone.
6.07.2008
So I listen... for the voice inside my head
Fear. I've know in it, felt it, it's been my friend from time to time. Like Over The Rhine remind us, "I'm gonna learn to love... without fear."
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
That's a hard step to take.
I am sure we've all been there before. Waiting. Wanting. Daring to believe, hoping, praying... and trying not to screw it all up. Fears hold us in check.
I don't want to be afraid. But how does one react when the stakes are raised? When things are settled, not chaotic, there is little to fear. Sure, there may be lost, but you understand, you are living in the moment. But now... when you don't know, there is fear.
And that's dangerous, because we might do something stupid. Say something stupid. Something you feel but can't put into words, or put into words the wrong way.
God, grant me strength to defeat fear, to embrace love, to forget about anxiety, to relinquish control.
Help me to learn to love without fear - to live without fear. If Teems is right, if love is everything, is God personified, then let us live that way, without fear.
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