God, I need a cigarette. Now that I have decided to quit, for a very good reason - so I can sing - it is hard to actually quit. What was easy - has been easy so many times before - is a damned chore now.
My lack of a good smoke (or ten) has made me a bit... twitchy and grouchy. Last night, I was thinking... "well, I'll write my way out of it." Didn't really work, but was a good idea. Besides, it is good to unleash, in the written sense, from time to time.
I heard a great line in a song this morning. "I am an impressionist." The song was about a painter, but the lines that followed, describing seeing something and painting one's take on it, made me really consider how that applies to me.
We are all impressionists, to some extent. But my storytelling - my songcraft - is decidedly less so, I think. Maybe I should try to be more impressionist. Less detailed.
I read an article this morning, in the Indy Star. It was actually an interview with the Pacers basketball coach, Jim O'Brien. Obie mentioned reading a book called The Last Lecture. I looked it up on Amazon. Very, very cool concept. Sometimes, professors are asked to, or just do, give a "final lecture" at the end of their semesters, to impart wisdom and things of great import to students they (likely) will never teach again. Well, in the book, this certain college professor, Randy Pausch, had recently found out he was terminally ill with cancer. So, then, he decided to give his final lecture - his actual FINAL lecture, knowing that, yes, this is my last chance to impart wisdom, to leave my legacy. The book sounds like a fantastic read. It also sounds a bit like Tuesdays With Morrie, and excellent book written by Mitch Albom that I would recommend to anyone.
I thought this was particularly coincidental, considering my "stage speech" post from last night. It has a certain existential twist to it that I find delectably evil.
The sad thing about books like those, and times when people try and remind me that "all will be well" or to "live life like no tomorrow" is that it is hard to sustain that kind of energy throughout every day of your life. I like optomism, I do, and I can play that card, usually, most any time I want. But that doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't ring false. It does ring false, sometimes, in other words.
Change and growth are inevitable.
I wonder what my last words would be, what my last lecture be. Would it be full of the kind of metaphors for living life to its fullest, the ones that sometimes fill me with hope and other times turn my stomach?
I think it would be full of stories and songs. And I think most of those stories and songs would be good, positive, uplifting, hopeful.
Yes, I view myself as a songwriter and as a storyteller, and sometimes when I think of that, I think that I deal in lead, like a gunslinger. That's because sometimes those songs are driven by and made to resemble a bullet straight to the heart.
That's only because that is what matters. I deal in dreams and hopes and fears and love because those are the things that move and drive my life. I write how I write and sing what I sing because that is the fuel that, well, keeps the ember burning, to borrow from last night.
I am reminded of the scene in Almost Famous, where William is on the phone with Lester Bangs, and Lester reminds him that, "we're not cool." I'm not cool. I am an ordinary, lonely soul, documenting what that feels like so you've got someplace to go when you feel lonely and ordinary, or when you are on cloud #9 and want to stay that way.
I deal in lead, people. If you're not ready for the bullet, then you better get out of the war.
10.14.2008
Won't let the light escape from me...
I should be in bed. In fact, I was. I just couldn't sleep. As is so often the case when I don't fall asleep quickly, my mind begins to think. And that means love, god, and etc.
I said a little prayer. More like, asked a few questions, the same one from, what? 2, 5, 10 years ago? Does it ever change?
So I said my peace (piece?). Then turned over, and had a little vision. A stool, a stage, a mic and a guitar. Out there, the faces, maybe just one of those faces, of someone I have loved, another love crashed and burned. Or, perhaps, someone who loved me who I didn't love back. I asked myself, on that stage, how I would introduce a song (any song, really) about love, love found, love lost, love whatever.
What would I say to them? To Jessyka, Katey, Jess, Dana, Becca, Melissa? To Tara, Rachel, Kathy, Stephanie, Bethy, Lynette... to any of them, past, present, future, almost, never was?
It is funny how love works. Its funny how we, as human beings, turn it into such an impersonal, inhuman thing. There have been times when I have loved, and really, truly loved. And sometimes, that love hits a brick wall. There have been other times when I am that brick wall that someone else's love is smacking against, futile and twisting and empty because I am not reciprocating.
We really are callous, selfish people. We tell one girl that we love her, and she disappears for 6 months - won't call, won't write, disappears of the map. We tell one girl we like her, and she seduces us, sleeps with us, fills our head with hopes and dreams, and then disappears... dead? Or just too chicken to say she doesn't want to see us? Does it matter? Does it hurt any less? We do this while another girl over here needs us... while one won't stop texting, while one won't stop calling, and while one won't stay out of our business. We ignore them, we ignore their feelings, even as we bitch, moan, HATE, HURT over the fact that these other girls are doing those same things to us.
Now, change "we" and "us" to "I" and "me." Change "one girl" and "another girl" to "you" and "you."
Or take your pick of a handful of the people connected in each of our lives.
Life isn't hard. But love is hard. And we make it harder... we add religion, jealousy, past relationships, a lifetime of hurt and hope and dreams that no one can live up to, no one can cure. We pine for those that don't want us, and cast aside the ones that do want us but whom we don't want. Everyone has been the hurt and the hurter.
And maybe this is what God means when he says that man is evil. It sure feels like it.
I sit and I think... maybe I ask for too much. Maybe I want too much, or what I want isn't what I should want? But I am selfish. I haven't dated a girl who was my type - one quick crash and burn fuck-up aside - since college. Of the handful of girls I have dated, and yes, cynics in the audience, of the handful of girls I've slept with, too... I haven't wanted, loved, needed all of them. I manage to destroy and hurt the ones I don't want and need... and I managed to let myself get hurt and destroyed by the ones I did need, I did want.
Have you ever felt like, if only you could've loved someone more? If only I could've loved more, then so and so would've stayed, would've loved me more, would've worked out. DO you have any IDEA what that fucking feels like, to stand there with your broken dreams, bloodied, defeated, dead on the floor? Have you ever cried so fucking hard that you lost your breath, that you almost passed out for lack of oxygen? Have you ever hurt so much that the only way to sleep was whiskey, vicatin and sleeping pills, all together?
I have. And that is where these songs come from. That's where they are going. That's what they are about, the lives we lead, the pain we cause, the joy we hope for. Love is a wonderful thing, but it's a wicked thing, too.
Maybe that's why I write. It's the only way I know how to humanize love. It's the only way I know how to deal with my best friend falling for my dream girl, for my close friend feeling tossed aside, for my roommates too busy with their girlfriends to hang out anymore. Mostly, it's how I deal with what is left inside of MY hopes and dreams.
A tiny glimmer, a small spark... lies deep, deep down. Ashamed. Afraid. But hot. Burning so hot it hurts. And God, wherever and whoever he is, I thank him it is there, even as I wonder if/why he punishes me for these broken attempts at capturing some kind of Eden here on earth.
I won't let that darkness swallow it. Won't let the light escape from it. But it IS hard. And ever time I see your face, or your face, or your face, I am reminded by how easily you cast me aside, how easily I cast you aside, all in the name of sex and god and love and happiness.
Ashamed. Afraid. But hot... still. The sad thing is something, some time, has got to change. Have you ever watched an ember in a fire? How beautiful it is with its orange glow? What becomes of the ember? If you add to it, it flares to life, becoming a consuming fire, hot and bright. And, if you don't, it dies. If you don't it dies.
I don't want to compromise. I don't want to settle. And neither do I wish to be selfish. Neither do I wish to be callous, uncaring, a brick wall.
I will not be ashamed. I will no longer fear. I will go down fighting... with guitar in hand, with throat sore from singing and roaring, with fingers bloodied and bruised. With heart on sleeve. If the ember dies, so be it. I'm going to make damn sure you don't ever forget the glow for the time that it lasted.
I said a little prayer. More like, asked a few questions, the same one from, what? 2, 5, 10 years ago? Does it ever change?
So I said my peace (piece?). Then turned over, and had a little vision. A stool, a stage, a mic and a guitar. Out there, the faces, maybe just one of those faces, of someone I have loved, another love crashed and burned. Or, perhaps, someone who loved me who I didn't love back. I asked myself, on that stage, how I would introduce a song (any song, really) about love, love found, love lost, love whatever.
What would I say to them? To Jessyka, Katey, Jess, Dana, Becca, Melissa? To Tara, Rachel, Kathy, Stephanie, Bethy, Lynette... to any of them, past, present, future, almost, never was?
It is funny how love works. Its funny how we, as human beings, turn it into such an impersonal, inhuman thing. There have been times when I have loved, and really, truly loved. And sometimes, that love hits a brick wall. There have been other times when I am that brick wall that someone else's love is smacking against, futile and twisting and empty because I am not reciprocating.
We really are callous, selfish people. We tell one girl that we love her, and she disappears for 6 months - won't call, won't write, disappears of the map. We tell one girl we like her, and she seduces us, sleeps with us, fills our head with hopes and dreams, and then disappears... dead? Or just too chicken to say she doesn't want to see us? Does it matter? Does it hurt any less? We do this while another girl over here needs us... while one won't stop texting, while one won't stop calling, and while one won't stay out of our business. We ignore them, we ignore their feelings, even as we bitch, moan, HATE, HURT over the fact that these other girls are doing those same things to us.
Now, change "we" and "us" to "I" and "me." Change "one girl" and "another girl" to "you" and "you."
Or take your pick of a handful of the people connected in each of our lives.
Life isn't hard. But love is hard. And we make it harder... we add religion, jealousy, past relationships, a lifetime of hurt and hope and dreams that no one can live up to, no one can cure. We pine for those that don't want us, and cast aside the ones that do want us but whom we don't want. Everyone has been the hurt and the hurter.
And maybe this is what God means when he says that man is evil. It sure feels like it.
I sit and I think... maybe I ask for too much. Maybe I want too much, or what I want isn't what I should want? But I am selfish. I haven't dated a girl who was my type - one quick crash and burn fuck-up aside - since college. Of the handful of girls I have dated, and yes, cynics in the audience, of the handful of girls I've slept with, too... I haven't wanted, loved, needed all of them. I manage to destroy and hurt the ones I don't want and need... and I managed to let myself get hurt and destroyed by the ones I did need, I did want.
Have you ever felt like, if only you could've loved someone more? If only I could've loved more, then so and so would've stayed, would've loved me more, would've worked out. DO you have any IDEA what that fucking feels like, to stand there with your broken dreams, bloodied, defeated, dead on the floor? Have you ever cried so fucking hard that you lost your breath, that you almost passed out for lack of oxygen? Have you ever hurt so much that the only way to sleep was whiskey, vicatin and sleeping pills, all together?
I have. And that is where these songs come from. That's where they are going. That's what they are about, the lives we lead, the pain we cause, the joy we hope for. Love is a wonderful thing, but it's a wicked thing, too.
Maybe that's why I write. It's the only way I know how to humanize love. It's the only way I know how to deal with my best friend falling for my dream girl, for my close friend feeling tossed aside, for my roommates too busy with their girlfriends to hang out anymore. Mostly, it's how I deal with what is left inside of MY hopes and dreams.
A tiny glimmer, a small spark... lies deep, deep down. Ashamed. Afraid. But hot. Burning so hot it hurts. And God, wherever and whoever he is, I thank him it is there, even as I wonder if/why he punishes me for these broken attempts at capturing some kind of Eden here on earth.
I won't let that darkness swallow it. Won't let the light escape from it. But it IS hard. And ever time I see your face, or your face, or your face, I am reminded by how easily you cast me aside, how easily I cast you aside, all in the name of sex and god and love and happiness.
Ashamed. Afraid. But hot... still. The sad thing is something, some time, has got to change. Have you ever watched an ember in a fire? How beautiful it is with its orange glow? What becomes of the ember? If you add to it, it flares to life, becoming a consuming fire, hot and bright. And, if you don't, it dies. If you don't it dies.
I don't want to compromise. I don't want to settle. And neither do I wish to be selfish. Neither do I wish to be callous, uncaring, a brick wall.
I will not be ashamed. I will no longer fear. I will go down fighting... with guitar in hand, with throat sore from singing and roaring, with fingers bloodied and bruised. With heart on sleeve. If the ember dies, so be it. I'm going to make damn sure you don't ever forget the glow for the time that it lasted.
10.13.2008
I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal
So... things are... different. I can't complain - I had a good weekend. But, you know, nothing happened, other than me talking with Cory about the same shit we've spent the last two weeks discussing. He doesn't have any answers yet. I don't have any answers yet. And while I want to punch Cory for A) being vaguely stupid and B) because I am jealous of what success might mean for him (not about the "who" - I couldn't care less about who it is, it's that thought of it being the thing we keep searching for, to final grab it and have the "fairy tale" junk work for once).
It's just that this curse of what I want - sometimes, what I think I need and, sometimes, what I think I deserve - can't be laid to rest. I want to take things easy, to release my expectations, and let come what may. But then I start to think... why should I lower my expectations? Just because I haven't met someone who can live up to those expectations, why should I lower them? I stop, then, and think, "well damn... it's not like those expectations are that high." And, they aren't.
One could accuse me of having my head up in the clouds. And yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I don't ask for perfection. Only... substance. Conscience. Taste. Moral value. Self-worth.
I don't want a consolation prize.
It's just that this curse of what I want - sometimes, what I think I need and, sometimes, what I think I deserve - can't be laid to rest. I want to take things easy, to release my expectations, and let come what may. But then I start to think... why should I lower my expectations? Just because I haven't met someone who can live up to those expectations, why should I lower them? I stop, then, and think, "well damn... it's not like those expectations are that high." And, they aren't.
One could accuse me of having my head up in the clouds. And yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I don't ask for perfection. Only... substance. Conscience. Taste. Moral value. Self-worth.
I don't want a consolation prize.
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