Taking Back Control, pt. 2

So, here's what you're getting... 95% totally, brutally honest (some secrets you just don't tell, lol):

Name: Dustin C.
Age: 28
Residence: Self-owned Home in Plainfield, IN
Occupation: Ecommerce Manager
Vehicle: 2005 Jeep Liberty Sport
Debt: between 5k and 10k
Salary: between 25k and 35k
Height: 5'5", sometimes 5'3" and sometimes maybe slightly taller
Weight: Anywhere between 175 and 195 lbs., depending on the season and how active I've been. Right now, I'm getting svelt.
Hair: Brown, fading, receeding hairline, short
Eyes: Blue, usually with black horn-rim glasses

Likes: music, playing music, writing, reading. Too much music to list. Playing guitar. Singing. A little bit of travelling. Brown County Indiana. Sex. Adventurous sex. Spending money on music. Good dining. Cooking. Fishing. Hiking. Indiana University Basketball. Watching IU hoops. Watching hoops in general. Shooting hoops. Other sports. Geek stuff. WoW on occasion. D&D on much less frequent occasion. Battletech on less frequent occasion. Firefly and Serenity. Spaced. CSI - the original. Zombie movies. Musical Rom-Coms. Collecting music. Long, uninterrupted drives. Being philosophical. Late night chats. Beer. Whiskey. An occasional cigarette. Light to medium to heavy exercise, usually three to five times a week. Open-mindedness. Exploring religious thoughts. Big questions. Barack Obama.

Dislikes: traffic, driving, driving in traffic. Tense confrontations. Anger issues. Crazy women. Bad sex. Hard drugs. Slobs. Lazy people. Sloth-like people. Hateful people. People who can't drive. People in general. Bitchy people. Judgemental people. John McCain.

Things I think I think:

My parents are the most amazing, smartest, kindest, hard-working and loving people I know. They are still together.

My parents set an impossible to reach goal and standard for my relationships.

Hard work really can and does pay off.

I like music. I am not on drugs.

Sex is an awesome, intimate experience.

Sex is only as good as the least-experienced/least-knowledgable person involved in the act. Thankfully, open-minded persons can learn.

God exists. I just don't know much more about him than that.

God is love. I used to think this. I am not so sure anymore.

I have slept with too many people. Only a few of those people really touched my heart. I feel incredibly guilty about this. Other times I just feel horny.

Guilt is my closest internal friend, next to hope. Hope wins out. But they battle a lot.

I am a nice, sensitive guy. Get over it.

I am not obsessed, clingy, or desparate. Please, you don't be, either.

I love starry night skies and the ocean. I am not gay.

I love to write, and should more.

I am too uptight, and will probably die of a heart attack before I am 4o. I am working on extending that lifespan, by exercising, eating healthier, and trying to chill the fuck out.

I like things simple.

Nothing is simple anymore.

I am old-fashioned in many ways. And modern in others.

Technology is killing us all slowly, in many, many ways.

Back porch music is best.

Back porch friends are best.

I have a lot of what I would call back porch friends. At least 3.

I have remained unmarried while most of my friends, and exes, from college have been married, been divorced, had kids, and/or any combination of those three.

Yes, I do get lonely. If that sounds pathetic to you, piss off. You get lonely too, so stop acting like you are better than everyone, or, you know, better than me.

"Hard To Imagine" is the best Pearl Jam song, at least in my heart.

I believe in the human soul.

I am afraid my dad and mom will both be dead before I either marry or have children. I have way too much guilt over this.

I have been far too lucky in every aspect of my life... except relationships with the opposite sex.

I have still had some very blessed and rewarding relationships with the opposite sex.

I do wonder if it is me.

Most of the time I am convinced it is them.

I have done some bad things that I know I shouldn't have. But I am still here. There have been mistakes, but nothing can be done about those. Each day I am born anew, and can forgive what I can't forget.

I like athletic girls. I like small breasts. I like flat tummies. None of that matters in my heart, just in my pants, and then, it's kind of just icing on the cake.

I am attracted, physically, to a lot of different "types" of women.

I am convinced I will settle for someone I am not emotionally or physically attracted to.

I fight the urge to settle.

I hate the urge to settle.

Time is running out. To settle or not.

I can play a mean guitar, man.

I like to think I am a lover. I fight off my guilt and self-doubt to achieve that. For my adult life, since I graduated college, I have become better and better at that.

I would say I am a good, honest, loving person.

I have a lot to offer someone, in almost every aspect of life.

I am complete by myself. I only hope for a shared life experience with someone else that is as wonderful and deserving as... well, me.

Despite that, chemistry, emotion, and attraction all play a part.

I am not crazy. I am normal.

It sometimes takes a lot to admit internally that I am not alone in this. I think most people are crazy.

I do think humanity is broken.

I think we live in a golden age of brokeness, sin, and selfishness.

I am very selfish.

I try my hardest to not be selfish. I hope that it'll catch on.

I love everyone, inside. I just wish some people would be nicer to me. And that some people wouldn't drive in front of me.

Taking Back Control

So... I was "stood up" last night. Which is really no big deal and not anything that hasn't happened before. Maybe it was karma for keeping someone else guessing, or for some other shitty dating thing I've done. I am not perfect, and while I generally try and treat people they way I'd like to be treated, I fail sometimes. We're all human, we've all been screwed and we've all screwed over someone else. It happens.

But, sitting in front of my PC last night, I began to think... I thought about two things, really. First, that dating sucks, and modern options for dating suck. And second, that I should make a form/post/whatever that was 100% brutally honest, and that anyone applying to date me should have the both read it, and fill one out the same way.

This morning, on my drive into work, Bob and Tom (the radio show) were talking to a mormon comedian who had tried the online dating thing. Then the comedian talked about speed dating. He mentioned that, hey, if you like getting rejected once a day, try speed dating, where you get rejected 30 times an hour!

Dating sucks. Well, no, scratch that... trying to date, beginning to date, however you want to say it... that sucks. Knowing someone, spending time together, getting to know each other... that stuff is nice. But the getting there sucks. The finding someone who is willing sucks - on both ends. It's not always me, and it's not always her.

The thing that pisses me off - and yes, it really does piss me off - about last night... I have no idea what made this person decide to be a bitch and blow me off. What I thought was nice and polite - and yes, I know, I am apparently way too nice and way too polite - did that turn out to be "clingy" or "desperate." You know, that's bullshit. I emailed to confirm a date the day before, then texted a few hours before when I got no response. The last communication I had before that said feel free to call me. Maybe that is too passive. But do you crazy ass girls really think that much about this shit?

I swear, some people are way too fucking insane for my tastes. Girls are pretty much all just bat-shit crazy - either it's too clingy this, or they are too clingy that. Either I am not Jesusy enough, or too much. I cuss too much, not enough. I'm too clean-cut, or not enough. Or they're too clean-cut, or not enough, too Jesusy or not enough, etc etc etc. Girls... you are all nuts. Women, you are all nuts. Ladies... damn, you crazy.

Stay tuned... I am so doing a dating application post.

Happiness is a warm, yes it is...

No, there is not a word missing in the title. Go listen to the White Album.

So, I just read a pretty basic advice colume on Slate.com - Dear Prudence (again with the White Album!). I dug her advice to a sad, self-loathing but otherwise normal person. Well, actually... I didn't think it was all that great, but the book she reference, the Happiness Hypothesis, well, I checked that out and thought it looked good.

For reason, this caused my brain to flash a big neon sign inside my head that said: HAPPINESS!!! Which lead me down the path to my whatever and ever, amen, type of thoughts on love, life, liberty and said pursuit of said wonderful thing, happiness.

This, in turn, made me think about my social life. Made me recall, and want to relate, that I have a date tonight. Including the gut feeling that said date tonight will not happen, because I haven't heard back from an email I sent yesterday to confirm said date.

Which lead me back to last night, thinking about the Firefly pilot episode, where Book and Inara discuss the captain, Mal. I'm going to paraphrase, but the scene I'm refering to went kind of like this:

Inara: Why are you so interested in the captain?
Book: Because he remains suchs a mystery. Why are you?
Inara: Because so few men are.

I don't know why, but the essence of that conversation really struck deep at my heart, yesterday, and at why I feel so lacking in the relationship department. I want to be mysterious, and want someone to find me that way, and, likewise, want to find a girl who is mysterious and who intrigues me.

If Shakespear said "know thyself," a quote I put a lot of weight in, I wonder if that leads to happiness? And, likewise, wouldn't "know someone else," too? Maybe not. I am babbling here.

The point is, happiness is subjective, from the point of the person wishing to achieve happiness. I think we'd all list that when attempting to find a partner/spouse/mate/friend.

To achieve that with someone else proves to be quite the chore, however. And no book is going to ever fix the communication problems between the sexes or between lovers/potential lovers. What may to me be a simple reminder and a way to finalize plans may seem to someone else as desparate, pushy, too interested, or some other strange way of contact.

It is in those moments when Richard Cheese is the, albeit short-term, answer to happiness.

Alone, listless...

Things go, and as far as things go, things go well. Maybe better: things are going well.

Not that I thought otherwise, but it is a LOT of hard work trying to get things rolling in the music biz. Thankfully I have finally got some shows set up and it seems as though some of my networking efforts are paying off, too. I've got to hope I can repay some of these favors sometimes... I suppose that's why I keep going to shows.

I have been supremely busy. I think about friends I haven't talked to recently, and others who I've been ignoring. It's tough. My schedule has been packed full of stuff. I routinely only get one night during the week to myself... and now, because of all that is happening, that turns out to be my practice and updates night.

There's that word, that has been popping up some much recently in my thoughts... "routine." I usually am giving advice to friends on how to break up the routine and monotony of their lives. And even though I am not in a rut -this is a self-inflicted, and very needed routine - it's getting a little old.

Which says nothing of the lack of time for, or simply lack of, a social life. To say the least, I am bored. And I hate being bored. Routine and busyness leads to stress, and though I love making my way in the musical sense, it is stressful. I wish I had a way, and someone with whom, to disconnect. But that's asking for icing on the cake, I guess.

I have such a sneaking suspicion that things are going to get worse before they get better, on the homefront and in our country. Holidays are always tight for me, financially, and I'm getting to the point for I need to make some changes in my household - be it ridding myself of a roommate, or finding a way to create some space, or whatnot. It's also getting to the point where the free and easy work, for the musical stuff, is running out. It looks like my next steps will be paying to join organizations, and organizing a trip or several trips down to Nashville (TN) to start trying to break into publishing. That means money.

I need a secretary. A sexy one. And a rich one.