Sometimes I Rise, Sometimes I Fall...

You know, I don't like having to be asshole. Not all the time. But, you know... learn to think for yourself. If I could ask just one thing, it would be for others to stop and think.

So I said something impolite to a co-worker. It came out wrong - I believe the words I chose were "Use your brain" when someone asked how they were supposed to figure something out - but damn. It doesn't hurt to think critically every now and then, does it? Isn't it good to try and exhaust some options before asking for help? Again, I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't asked every five minutes for some answer that is two clicks away on a desktop.

I've always prided myself on my ability to think quickly.

I just wish others would "follow" by example.

I heard something clever last night while watching the IU basketball game. On a commercial break, there was an ad for IU and the speaker was a ladies field hockey player. She said that her dad always told her there would always be two things under her control - her attitude and her effort. I have of course heard that before, but it stuck in my head last night.

I so obviously am burnt out. My attitude and effort are sorely lacking. I need a break.

The In Between Is Mine

I still remember when "I Am Mine" first came out. The first Pearl Jam single in years (if you don't count "Light Years" - which most radio didn't, it seemed), it blossomed on the airwaves like a virus out of control. I instantly took to the song, not just because I was a Pearl Jam fan (read: obsessive maniac fan), but because the song had meaning.

"I know I was born and I know that I'll die. The in between is mine."

Today, I am reminded by the hopeful caution in the song. Winter is a time, frankly, for death. The cycle of life winds down, returning things to the earth so they can decompose and become fertilizer for the new growth to come. Likewise, for me, winter is a time of reflection, where, perhaps, parts of me die, where memories of the past year pass on and break down to become something else in the new year.

It is a process. Sometimes it is a painful one, sometimes a pleasant one, but always it is a mindful one. I can look back on this past year and count many, many things that changed and altered the course of my life, in some small or large way. New friends, new loves, new jobs, old friends, old loves, old problems. New opportunities. Blown saves.

The saddest part of my reflection time this year is seeing how much I lost hope in people this year - and despite some pretty positive evidence to the contrary. Friends helping friends out - be it a drive to the root canal/hellbringing dentist, or a hand on a hammer, helping to build something big for us small town poets. I have some great friends and family, and truthfully, they are not the problem.

It's everyone else. I've always seen other people as inherently good. I don't believe man is so fatalistically flawed (as some would have you believe) that he is solely evil (and can only reach goodness through the bridge of an intermediate deity). I believe in the good of humanity.

Maybe that is why this year was so hard - seeing so often that goodness shook off, in order for someone to make poor decisions and bad, evil choices. And it isn't just things that inconvenience me - yes, people who run stop signs in front of me really piss me off, but that's a small thing.

Last night I wrote a devestating song - sad bastard music, as Barry would say. But, you know... I thought about how one friend is sad that his girlfriend didn't even have the heart to tell him she didn't want to see him anymore. She just stopped calling, wouldn't answer, either. I thought of another friend, on the verge of what might be a messy divorce. I thought of yet another friend, and the deceit and hurt he had been through, culminating in a divorce.

In his pursuit of selfish desires and pleasures, man burns and destroys all around him. Bridges, doors, keys, rooms, all burnt to ashes. Look at what you have wrought. The hell your actions unleash so you can... what? Get a little satisfaction? Leave that to Jagger and the Stones.

It is about time that human beings started acting like human beings again. I am reminded once more of Emmanuel Levinas, my favorite philospher, and his notion of encountering humanity in a person's eyes. A need that screams out - see me, feel me - recognize my humanity.

See me, feel me. Touch me, heal me.

It's about time we looked in the mirror, and remembered what it was like to be human. And then go out and be it. Human.

Destined for Nothing? w/ They Don't Compare

Does that it make you suffer because you have to die? Is it best to live a lie?

That’s the question that Bad Religion asks in their song, “Destined For Nothing.” I don’t know the answer, really. I am doing my thing, observing my friends and family going through the motions… and seeing that some of the motions aren’t healthy.

I don’t like to watch my friends hurt, whether the hurt be financial, romantic, winter blahs, loneliness, stress. And I feel for them – I have definitely been through all of the above. And, in some cases, sometimes those things are healthy. We grow in the tough times, so they are somewhat necessary from time to time.

But sometimes these things seem like too much for us to take. I hate to see others at that breaking point. I hate to be there myself.

As much as it sucks sometimes – for ourselves, and for others – we can’t always cover things up. Sometimes you’ve got to throw off the shroud. Just know that in those times, you have friends who do love you and care. It is easier to share than go through it all alone.

That said - the good guys and gals covered - I have to vent about something else.

Fucking people make me sick. Listen, we all make mistakes. I find myself qualifying my opinions all the time, and maybe I do that too much. Maybe I don't stick hard enough to my guns. And in those cases maybe I am part of the problem.

But life is tough enough without people looking to cheat, steal, and stab each other in the back all the fucking time.

I think to myself, how can I trust anyone? I want to be close to something dangerous - want to be with someone who can be wild, out of control, unhinged, and on the edge. I want our relationship to exist there. But how the fuck can I ever trust someone else like that again? Finding diamonds in the rough is rare, and the rest of the people walking around either don't meet my sometimes-too-lofty standards, or are so fucking shallow and evil as to not merit my time or consideration.

Sometimes the evil ones get you (me) anyway. They're sneaky like that.

Mom and Dad always taught me the Golden Rule - particularly mom. And I've read plenty about Jesus and turning the other cheek and loving your neighbor.

And I don't see much of those three rules in practice. Anywhere. Yes, even in my own actions.

We are a selfish, fucking excuse for a race of creatures. Like Ed Vedder said in "Rats" ...

"They don't scurry when something bigger comes their way, don't pack themselves together and run as one. Don't shit where they're not supposed to, don't take what's not theirs, they don't compare."

They don't compare. WE don't compare. Sorry fucking human race.

Listen. If you take one thing from this whole post, take this: be kind to one another. Try it some time. It just might spread. Try and think how you would feel if x and y and z happened to you... and avoid doing x and y and z to anyone, especially the people you love.

Be a human being. See the humanity, the emotion, the fucking soul in someone else's eyes.

And respect it.