I will hold the candle, 'til it burns up my arm...

Damn. I am trapped, and I feel like I am suffocating. I do not want to lose what might be the greatest love I've found - or the recognition of such potential - and I don't know how to keep that from happening.

Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.

I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.

Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.

I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.

I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?

I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.

I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.

God, you know my heart. Help me through this.

Come Back

If I keep holding out,... will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been wishing out the days,... come back

I have been planning out,... all that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,...

Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,... come back

And these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep

If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,..... and I had to remain here

But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way

There must be an open door
For you to
Come back

And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's okay.

It's okay.
It's okay.

I'll be here
Come back
Come back

I'll be here
Come back
Come back

I'll be here
Come back
Come back

(thinking of you... hoping and praying for the best)

Makes much more sense to live in the present tense

One of the oldest posts from my old blog:

"SO here's what I am thinking. I am thinking I didn't get enough sleep last night. I am thinking that I have to clean my house tonight, to prepare for Saturday's shin-dig. I am thinking that I hope some of my friends hang around and we have a blast Saturday night. I am thinking that the Pacers best beat the Heat in Game 5 on Saturday night. I am thinking that my stomach is not built for less than 5 hours of sleep, is not built for stress and worry, is not built for running the machine of wonder, creativity, and general wackiness that I am. I am, indeed, thinking that my stomach, which JBQ refers to as my "power plant of love," and which I have aforely mentioned that I think it isn't built to handle any of my current conundrums, I am thinking that my stomach is mad at me for trying to get rid of it through diet and exercise. I am thinking that it is funny that I say it's not built for anything, and yet I am trying to diminish its size and therefore its productivity, of love, stress-handling, no-sleep-kicking, and other witty conundrums. I am thinking that besides all this, I am a cute, witty, loyal, honest, enduring, endearing, and genuine man. I am thinking that I love where I am in life, because life is a journey and an adventure, and I feel like no sleep and stress and cranky tummies all mean that I am living quite an adventure, and for all that, I am thinking that I am in a damn good mood this morning. I am, for sure, thinking that guys are crazy for loving gals, and gals are crazy for loving guys. I am thinking that God (or whatever grand creator you believe or don't believe in) finds this guys/gals thing quite humorous, and I am thinking he laughs at us with joy because of the silly creatures that we are. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with awesome friends. I am thinking that I am truly blessed with an awesome life, and that I am going somewhere, and that I am willing to smile, and to give that smile to someone, to everyone, to someone special, to creation, to creator, and yes, even to my cranky stomach. I am thinking that, beyond this, I know nothing. I am thinking that knowledge is the key.

I am thinking that I am thinking too much. And I am smiling all the way through it."

What, what, what does it all mean? God, this analytical mind can be a blessing and a curse. I need a worry stone.