Oh, and I listen to both sides of my head...

Today has been nothing short of surreal, at least in my heart and my head. I couldn't tell you why I feel so devestated today, but I know that I do. I tried explaining to a friend/co-worker, and he understood the sentiment, anyway... and had some good advice.

I do wonder if the heart of my issues, right now, is the same disease that I've been worried about so frequently, lately... a loss of faith. I just don't believe in anything anymore. God, love, faith, sex, music, people, healing... I don't believe in them.

And as bad as it sounds, it did all start with another girl, another heartbreak. Oh, this one was quick, for sure, and didn't hurt as bad as some. But that is part of the problem. It was like I went through 3 months of a relationship in 3 days.

A friend of mine calls me a man-whore. Only half in jest. I surf the internet, looking for something, anything, that'll spark my heart. I've tried not caring. I've tried just letting loose, being confident.

I wonder how many people can see how soulless I am?

There is a fight going on, but the part of me that is shouting, "you are good, you are worthy!," the part some would say is from God, telling me he loves me... is losing. I just don't give a damn about much of anything anymore... and even music is losing it's meaning. I can barely stand to play my guitar.

I wish I could cut out this cancer, whatever it is... but then again, I think I'd half to cut out most of me to kill the cancer.

This must be what growing old and losing hope feels like.

I will hold the candle, 'til it burns up my arm...

I am at war today. I need a break, badly, from anything and everything negative. I need to not be told how flawed I am. I know I am flawed, I've lived with it for damn near 28 years. I know I fall short.

Where did this come from? I am not sure I even believe in God anymore, and yet I have always believed in spirituality. It seems as if there is a war of good and evil raging in my soul. I want to tell all my friends off, I want to disappear, I want to start over, I want to be angry, I want to hate myself, and I want to blame me for all of it. At the same time... I want to apologize, I want to be good, to do good, to please God.

It's said that God doesn't punish us (any more, not New Testament, JC as savior Christianity), but that we punish ourselves, or that it's the work of some devil. I alternate between thinking God hates me and thinking he doesn't really exist.

There is a lot of love in my life. I try to constantly remind myself of that. I might not have all the kinds of love I want, but I do actually have most of the love I need. If, IF, God is love afterall, then maybe I can say he has provided some light through the darkness. And, truth be told, the darkness and the light... well, it all just depends on which direction I am facing.

I've got problems by the boatload, most of which a few friends have been hammering on lately, however unintentional or intentional that hammering may be. I have little to no money, and need money to do the things I want to do. I am lonely. I am tired. I feel unappreciated. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am paranoid. I am in debt. I am unhealthy.

But that is just looking in one diretion. I have a wonderful, loving family. I have some pretty great friends. I have a nice place to live, food to eat, clothes on my back (not that the necessities are good or bad - they're just essential; still it is nice to have them!). I am employed. I have a few fun hobbies.

The world doesn't come with rose-colored glasses. I take things hard, but life really is hard. And, while I feel unhinged, like the feelings inside me are being pushed there - by some kind of spiritual warfare, that good and evil are fighting within - I know it's not all me. I wish there was something more I could say. I have things good, but that still doesn't mean I need a break from getting kicked in the balls every damn day by friends, love, bills, finances, etc.

I still wouldn't mind a break. Really.

I will walk with my hands bound...

Right now, I feel like my hands are bound. I can't even play a fucking video game without pissing someone else off. I mean, what the fuck? I do not want the world to revolve around me. I am sincerely trying to take a look at myself, and every day I am trying to take some time for personal reflection. The odd thing is, some of my friends have really thrown some hard curveballs my way, and I am apparently striking out left and right.

I am only human, only a man, only a normal, ordinary guy trying to find my way, right my ship, all that other bullshit cliche stuff I could write here.

I just want a fucking break. You know? Some fucking space where I am not a fuck-up in the eyes of someone, an asshole in the eyes of another, getting told how I missed something here or there, being held to some unholy fucking high standard that Jesus would fail trying to reach.

One friend. One friend who hasn't been stepping on my balls lately. Ok, two. Musicians both, they seem to be the only people I can find solace in at all, at least in my social circle. I feel my relationships with two of my closest friends (not those two) deteriorating rapidly, all because of standards and all else and whatever.

I was raised to respect other people, to not kick someone when they were down, and to keep to your word. I don't run off and chase trim and leave my friends high and dry... and I would never think about doing it, either. Not if I gave my word. And I did my best to not get angry, to bite my tongue, and it's all over now... and then someone else comes along and punches me in the balls.

I am in debt up to my neck. My career feels like it is getting nowhere. I ain't get older, skinnier, funnier, better-looking. I have worked so hard all my adult life to control my problems - to be less intense, to not give into anger, to be a selfless person, to love instead of hate.

And... today, I hate myself, and want to be angry just so I can find some fucking peace.

God, if this is what you meant by back breaking toil, I guess I must be a sinner, because I am really sick of all of this, and lately, it seems like it is all you keep giving me.

All the love that she had was just wood that she burned...

So, in my normal routine, I am reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and, with a bit of time on my hands last night, I dived right through two and half chapters, waiting at an auto-place to pay $130 to replace my car battery.

One of the things that Miller makes it a point of saying is how broken humanity is. And you know, he's right. Highlighting that we can't change what's wrong with the world without recognizing that the problem is us... as in me, I am the problem. And you, you too are the problem... but this is my blog. You deal with you on your time, buddy.

Anyway... yeah, how selfish are we? CS Lewis wrote a poem that Miller highlights that contains this line: I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

Neither have I. Not really, but pretty much. I mean, how often do we do good things, not because it truly delights us to do something good for someone else, but because of the recognition we will get out of it?

As I am reading this book, and examining my own broken spirituality and broken Christianity and the mess that my heart/mind is in, I was thinking about how I have changed, and how I had changed. The thing is, though I may not feel "lead" by God, or driven by the spirit, or whatever jumped-up mumbo-jumbo voodoo that you want to claim is how it works... the thing is, despite my distance from that, I still think I do a halfway decent job of not being selfish all the time. I bend over backwards for people. Too many friends have told me that, sometimes, I just have to do what's right for me.

I've had relationships destroyed because I was bent until I broke, and left broken, feeling used. I get stressed and frustrated at work because I help and help, and sometimes no one helps me. I won't yell at my roommates when they don't pay their share of the bills on time, and I end up in the hole in the bank, or running out of money and having to live off of a credit card.

I'm not pointing out I can be selfless for recognition purposes. What I am saying is, it strikes me as odd that though I may not being the perfect model of Christianity (which I never would be anyway) and while currently my spirituality is pretty dead (that, then, is the part I truly worry about), I still apply the lessons of selflessness - ultimately, of love - throughout my life.

Love may be the wood that I burn up for myself, but at least I don't let it get all stacked up, moldy, bug ridden and wasted. Or something like that.

More on this later...

No trade-backs

I had an interesting conversation yesterday evening. The setting: helping my friend Scott play a gig at a sorority on the campus of Indiana University. Apparently, said sorority (whose name I don't remember) was friends with a fraternity (again, don't remember) and those boys were there helping out. Scott is also a member of that fraternity, and to give him his due credit, he was right, they were not all total douchebags. Only a few.

Still, I marvelled at the youth, the arrogance, the hubris, the total lack of self, some of these "men" epitomized. There were more polos and khaki shorts than you could shake a stick at. As for the girls... I was very proud of that particular club, because not all the girls were thin and blond and super attractive. Most of them were average or just a shade on the pretty side, and a few were a shade on the other side... or worse... not at all bad or ugly... just not what you would expect from a place like IU where the greek system is ruthless, heartless, and soulless.

Those were my impressions when I went to school there, from 1999 until 2003. I was glad to see both a frat and a sorority moving in a positive, more-normal-people-friendly direction.

As I was saying... I was there to play guitar and help back up Scott. One of his frat brothers introduced himself and we began talking. He seemed like an alright kid, maybe a little confused and maybe a little less than a rocket scientist, but generally a very nice kid. The thing that shocked me... he had SOOO many questions for me.

What's it like in Indianapolis?
Why aren't you working in your major?
Why do you live with other people?
What's it like working a real job?
Do you ever miss college?
Did you party much when you were down here?
Did you party much when you left?
Why are newspapers dying out?

There were many more questions, maybe not phrased exactly the same way, but just inquiry after inquiry. Many of the questions all seemed to point to one simple thing - responsibility after college, or life as a real adult (however you want to phrase it, that's what it came down to).

And you know what? I gave him answers. I tried to tell him that it'll be completely different than college. And I thought the whole time, "kid, you don't know how good you have it right now."

I hope I maybe imparted some wisdom to the young man. I hope maybe I prepared him for the future, the real future, not the one where they (high school teachers and counselors, parents, etc.) tell you that you can be anything you want to be when you grow up - but the one that really exists, where the only things anyone cares about is that your ass is in your chair 5 minutes before work begins, and your check is in the hands of the power company and mortgage company the day before it is due.

All in all you are just another brick in their wall.

So what is it that moves you, and keeps you from being ordinary? That's the task you have to focus your free time on, so you're not just another number.