I will walk with my hands bound...

Right now, I feel like my hands are bound. I can't even play a fucking video game without pissing someone else off. I mean, what the fuck? I do not want the world to revolve around me. I am sincerely trying to take a look at myself, and every day I am trying to take some time for personal reflection. The odd thing is, some of my friends have really thrown some hard curveballs my way, and I am apparently striking out left and right.

I am only human, only a man, only a normal, ordinary guy trying to find my way, right my ship, all that other bullshit cliche stuff I could write here.

I just want a fucking break. You know? Some fucking space where I am not a fuck-up in the eyes of someone, an asshole in the eyes of another, getting told how I missed something here or there, being held to some unholy fucking high standard that Jesus would fail trying to reach.

One friend. One friend who hasn't been stepping on my balls lately. Ok, two. Musicians both, they seem to be the only people I can find solace in at all, at least in my social circle. I feel my relationships with two of my closest friends (not those two) deteriorating rapidly, all because of standards and all else and whatever.

I was raised to respect other people, to not kick someone when they were down, and to keep to your word. I don't run off and chase trim and leave my friends high and dry... and I would never think about doing it, either. Not if I gave my word. And I did my best to not get angry, to bite my tongue, and it's all over now... and then someone else comes along and punches me in the balls.

I am in debt up to my neck. My career feels like it is getting nowhere. I ain't get older, skinnier, funnier, better-looking. I have worked so hard all my adult life to control my problems - to be less intense, to not give into anger, to be a selfless person, to love instead of hate.

And... today, I hate myself, and want to be angry just so I can find some fucking peace.

God, if this is what you meant by back breaking toil, I guess I must be a sinner, because I am really sick of all of this, and lately, it seems like it is all you keep giving me.