The man upstairs is through with all of this noise...

... and I'm through with screaming.

Is the man upstairs listening? Does he care? Does he care how I approach him, how I reconcile years of denial, how I admit to moments of utter brokeness and bitterness, often directed at him?

God is a curious being, for sure, for sure.

I am constantly plagued by big questions - why here, where going, what doing, who with, et cetera. It's been a while since I threw off the blanket of my protection, tore down my walls, opened up and ran free. In short, I haven't stopped to smell the roses in... a while.

I could and do sometimes complain all day - I'm overweight, overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, used, taken advantage of, live in a world of idiots who can't drive a car, have o time, et cetera. But, I am tired of looking through pessimistic eye glasses. Tired of looking through lenses that only see one shade.

God knows, as I've debated with him so often before, that there are many shades of grey. There's not just clean and dirty - there are many subtle levels. The difference I'm wanting now, the change I'm seeking, is to start focusing on the lighter shades of grey, not the darker ones.

Life can be sinister. Life is hard, to be blunt and cliche. With the situation I am living in, I feel stuck in a rut. I have not the time nor the financial power to break out, so I've got to find other means. I have always said that the best person to break one's self out of a rut is ultimately one's self. No magical romantic love affair with a woman is going to make it happen (neither is a magical love affair with a man - because if it would, it might be worth compromising my morals and personal preferences... just kidding). No magic paycheck is coming. No lottery. And... no hand of God is reaching down to get me back into school, to build the perfect wife (and make us in love and compatible), to fill my wallet with cash and my bank account with positive numbers.

No. God isn't doing that. He breathed life into me, smacked me on the ass, told me a few things, and sent me on my way.

So it's up to me. But it would be nice to know He's listening. 'Cause I am so through with screaming.

It's ok, it's ok! You don't have to run and hide away...

So yeah... it's ok, you know? Not much more to say than that... things are pretty good right now. Work has been busy-busy-busy. I haven't had much time to exercise lately. I haven't had any time for music lately... and I lack a little of desire in that regard.

All in all, though, I am ok. I am a work in progress, and right now, the progress is slow.

I worry about the same things as always... love, happiness, financial matters, music, where I'm going with my life, where the journey is heading. Yeah, I need a vacation. But things aren't that bad.

There was a time in my life when I faked myself into an era of positivity... which then begat it's own positivity. It was a spiritually motivated time, and though my heart was much more of a barren, rocky wasteland than I let on (oh, the emo imagery in that statement...), I acted like everything was all ok, and acted very positive.

A funny thing happened. I became more positive, and not fake-posi, but true-posi. Good vibes. Good times. Connections.

Yeah, I can look back and say there were some bad times, and that some people took advantage of my giving, caring spirit at the time. But I was truly happy, and less stressed.

And if I don't stop the stress level from rising in my life, it's going to kill me. No joke.

So... here's to fake-quasi-positivity, and the hope that it turns and returns into real positivity.