Damn. I am trapped, and I feel like I am suffocating. I do not want to lose what might be the greatest love I've found - or the recognition of such potential - and I don't know how to keep that from happening.
Patience. Time. I am scared to death, but now I'm scared for different reasons. I know what I feel in my heart, that what burns in my chest, is true. I recognized the potential for something great, and now it feels like it is slipping away.
I think about all that has been said... that she's such a sweet person, that we've been down some very similar roads, that we've both been hurt and have had such heartbreak and loss in our lives. I know she said she'd never want to make someone feel that same way.
Being open and bare is just simply terrifying. I understand that, so very much. Being so close to something that feels so wonderful, though... losing that is terrifying.
I just worry that time will not bode well... that it might put out the fire, or that it might give rise to too many complaints... that instead of being taken at honest face value, I'l be demoted or dismissed for myriad reasons beyond my control. I am scared I am being picked apart in her mind (not her heart) right now, that somewhere a small devil is convincing her that this is bad, is teaching her to ignore the goodness and the wonderful feelings that accompany the fear of something new and so quick, the fear of another heartbreak.
I will not break her heart, and I will not make her look like a fool. But can I tell her that? How can I say something and not seem like some lovesick idiot? It is one thing to be in love, and that is not the case here at all. But it is the case of seeing the potential to be in love, there and waiting. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, it's a game of give and take, right?
I don't want to miss this chance. I know deep in my heart that this is what I've searched for, waited for, prayed for, and paid the price for. To step so close to it, and to feel it slipping away... is suffocating.
I just want to breathe... to talk, to exhale, to share more thoughts and feelings, to be scared together, for different reasons.
God, you know my heart. Help me through this.
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